diablogic.

2011-11-13T13:35:00.000-08:00

Toys 'R' Us will always remind me of U of I.

Now if only I could eat some Pokey Sticks...

#humblebrag ?

2011-11-08T20:35:00.000-08:00

Ugh. I have to stay late at work again tonight because David Wain needs me to finish syncing clips for Wainy Days...Because he's my boss...and I sit in an edit bay and chat with him about things...

Is this not how humble brags work? I'll just go ask David Wain. Thanks, anyway!

Sincerely,
Cooper

New Tumblr

2011-10-28T02:53:00.000-07:00

check it out!

Chicago is haunted.

2011-09-08T13:45:00.000-07:00

DE-NIED, THE SCIENCE GUY

2011-08-31T23:57:00.000-07:00

"Month at the Museum was an idea we kicked around for a long time, and any conversation about it always seemed to begin: "What if..." A magical and exciting phrase in the world of science, "what if" leads to countless inventions, discoveries and ideas that change lives. This particular idea was born from a desire to take science outside of the walls of our Museum, share the transformation we’ve been undergoing these past few years and inspire those who chose to follow."

The first paragraph of the form reject letter I received from the Museum of Science and Industry.

Where have I heard that "exciting phrase in the world of science" that "leads to countless inventions and ideas that change lives" before? OH YEAH, it's the G.D. thesis of MY video!

UNEMPLOYED (UNCREDITED)

2011-08-25T00:17:00.000-07:00

Take a long look at this, because it's likely the last time you'll see it.

Today is especially bittersweet because it marks the end a show - working with great folks - that may never see the light of day. What's worse is that it's actually a good show. Really good. Out of the 30+ shows I've worked on, this is one of three that I would actually encourage you to watch, even if you're not my mother. It's called Mancations(pretty much exactly what it sounds like, but I promise you it's even better) and was originally slotted to be on Travel Channel. It aired only twice, before I even worked on it, but was pulled until fall. Why? Because nobody watched it. Why? Because it aired against the NBA finals AND the MTV Music or Movie Awards...and because Travel Channel forgot to promo the TWO episodes they were going to show. Needless to say, it didn't rate very high, or low for that matter, but I'd be willing to bet neither would an American Idol/Dancing with the Stars/C.S.I. crossover given the same treatment on that same night (PLEASE make the aforementioned crossover right now so that I may watch the shit out of it).

Ultimately, this faithful night proved to be the demise of the show because network executives are the most clueless/worthless people on the face of the fucking Earth. Period. Yes, I realize there's a period at the end of that sentence, but I needed to convey just how awful they really are, Exclamation Point. This is one of those times when you just can't blame the Nielsen Box families for watching garbage (unless they were the one's watching the prestigious MTV awards, then blame away).

I'm especially saddened for the hosts of the show, Evan and Garreth, two hilarious, quick-witted young comedians who really poured their souls into this show(I only mention "young" because Travel claims their "demo" is 55-65, one of the reasons for not airing it again and yet somehow not one of the reasons for giving two young dudes their own show). And what's worse, this is the second show they've had taken away from them like this. They were in the edit bays everyday, making sure the show had a voice while deflecting some of the most brainless network notes I've heard yet(in case you were wondering, I really think network execs are THE worst. Like, responsible-for-the-decline-of-America worst). And they did it all with a smile, jokes and a damn good television show. I mean that sincerely, with all my heart. I only wish you guys could watch it.

Hopefully something will happen with it and it will find a new, better suited home. As of now, Travel owns it, but the guys are trying to shop it around to dude-friendly networks in hopes that Travel will give it up rather than wish to bury it. We have 13 episodes in the can, each better than the last. Everything from space camp to shark fishing to Civil War reenactments to ninja camp...that's right, ninja camp. It's all just sitting there, waiting, and entirely paid for. Travel paid for them to travel the country and FINISH the show they decided NOT to air! Put it on at 2:00am, just so long as it airs. I promise if people see it and are told when/where they can see it, they will come back to it. I'd be willing to put my sorry career on the line for it.

So if you or someone you love runs a TV Network, jump off a bridge. Should you survive and are humbled by the experience causing you to find value you quality and not just dollar amounts and numbers, buy this amazing show and watch it soar. Give it a chance to gain momentum before just dropping the axe. And actually advertise when it will be on so people aren't confused. It will succeed and happiness will be restored for all(and I can finally list it on my resume as my most notable notches). And if you really are a network exec, let's just forget that stuff I was totally just joking about earlier, huh? Meytev zayn?

WHY LA IS BETTER: REASON # 64

2011-08-16T18:37:00.000-07:00

Your favorite comedians/basic cable celebrities dine at the Los Felis pizza place you like...AND they're super friendly.

I ran into Chris Hardwick (who you common folk will remember from Singled Out, but you nerds know well) while I was listening to his podcast. I was going to say anything at first because I generally just don't want to bother famous people, especially when they are people I actually admire. I never know what to say and worry about coming off as sounding strange, so I tend to just skip it.

A few months ago, I got a wild hair up my ass and decided that I was going to become one of those people who partakes in the "running." Keep in mind that this is after I hadn't run unless out of necessity - gang mugging/rabid dog - in years. The catalyse for this: my new phone was Nike+ ready, and because I'm obsessed with consumerism, I had to buy the Nike+ shoes and odometer so I could know exactly how far I could run before my body completely quit on me (Plus if I was dying I could post my results in hopes of a search team coming to find me). I was also working nights at the time and was quite disappointed with the way I was spending my days - Sleeping until Ellen was one/ eating Taco Bell. So immediately after work, 7am, I would throw on a podcast and take to the streets. And it was surprisingly therapeutic. I felt good about both my health and my unnecessary spending spree.

And then, while waiting for the light to change, I noticed that I was standing next to Edgar Wright (Reason # 25: Your heroes are everywhere), a personal hero of mine to say the least. I loved Spaced, Shawn, Hot Fuzz and most recently Scott Pilgrim so much and have dreamed about getting the chance to meet Edgar to tell him so, and here I was, standing inches from him. He was out jogging too, though I think walking is actually the better description. And I...well, I froze. I didn't want to bother him. And though I had listened to his Doug Loves Movies just the day before, I wasn't listening now I didn't think to mention it. The light changed and I booked it away from him.

Later that run I saw him again, this time running towards him. By now, I went back to listening to his episode of Doug Loves Movies (Doug Benson's hilarious podcast that you should be listening to) so that I might say, "Oh my god, I'm listening to you talk right now...AND I saw you present Scott Pilgrim and I'm like, totally your biggest fan." (LOVE KNIFE - love knife is the term given to the knife you use to stab your idols to death)

"No, I can't say any of that. He saw me from before; he'd know that I put it on." So I jockishly zip passed him in full sprint (showoff) and say nothing. I regretted it tremendously.

But then I saw him three more times, all three completely different routes and STILL not a single word uttered. One of my cinematic heroes, people. I shared a jogging session with the man. "Cheers, Edgar," I thought I might say. "No, that sounds too douchy. I'm not English... Maybe I'll pretend I'm English? No, what if he asks what part I'm from? My knowledge of England stops with Karl Pilkington."

And then, on the steep hill of Runyon Canyon, he looked at me. And not like, "oh good on ya for getting in shape, mate." Like, "this kid is following me." Which I really wasn't, I promise. I was even going different routes because I didn't want him to think that. But he did anyway...maybe. He might have also been tired. But it was that look that made me decided I couldn't say any of the asinine things I had been plotting. Oh, and a good excuse to stop running.

Which brings me to the actual point of this post: Fast-forward 5 months to the moment I walked in Lucifer's Pizza in Los Feliz, listening to The Nerdist podcast (yes, I ONLY listen to podcasts now. I know so little about new music that I just learned that The Monkeys were a fake band. This is why I'm no longer cool), when who do I lock eyes with but Chris Hardwick, the host of said podcast. I've seen Chris Hardwick around town several times, always saying to myself, "That's Chris Hardwick...Awesome," and leaving it at that. And for those few seconds I thought exactly that, and that I would then stand at the counter, pick up my pizza - which is one of the best in town - and then walk away, not bothering him. But he was talking in my head (not in an "I'm crazy" way, literally talking in my earbuds), and I could only take it for so long before I broke down and turned to him saying, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm listening to The Nerdist right now, and it's just too weird laughing at your jokes when you're literally sitting behind me." Once he got past his initial "Oh sh*#. Set-phasers-to-stun" expression, he was flattered and said, "That's probably never happened before". I almost told the previous Edgar Wright story, which is the only reason I even brought it up to begin with, but agreed that this might be the only time this actually happened organically. He was a super sweet guy and took this picture and Tweeted it out to the world. I didn't want to linger so I went back to ordering, taking out my earbuds because it was too weird to go back to listening to it. At the end we talked about upcoming shows and I praised him for the good work he's done outside of Singled Out.

The moral of the story is, if you see someone you admire, tell them so. More than likely they'll be extremely cool and appreciative to hear it. Just don't hang around too long. Compliment and get out.

Beatles For Sale(...Soonish?)

2011-08-15T12:03:00.001-07:00

Because I'm terrified of the internet stealing the few good ideas I've had/will ever have, I can't post the final concept for this piece. It's just too good. Not until it's finished and copyrightable, or at the very least mailed to myself via registered mail anyway. The few who have seen/liked it already have hits out on their heads, should they step outta line. That being said, I was also overly-mothered and am in need of constant validation/praise/coddling (those who know me probably know this all too well, but hey, at least I'm able to "hang the lantern" on my downfalls and am not too oblivious to admit them, right? Right? Guys? I'm handsome, right? Hold me.) Together, these two things make blogging - creativity in general - the bane of my existence.

But, as is so often the case, coddling prevails with the T.K.O. So with that, here is the current stage of "The Beatle" piece (still rough as evident by "Ringo"):

Pen, Photoshop & Illustrator

The newest addition to our walls:

2011-07-27T11:41:00.001-07:00

If only they were beginning to disappear.

MONTH AT THE MUSEUM 2 (Behind the Scenes)

2011-07-25T11:24:00.000-07:00

A roll of green wrapping paper from Target...$4

A Muppet Whatnot from FAO Schwartz's Whatnot Workshop...A $100 Christmas gift (THE best I've ever received)

Apple's Motion 5...$50

Blood, sweat and a shoulder workout worthy of a personal trainer...Priceless.

There are some things that money can buy. For everything else, there's my Month at the Museum 2 application video.

Rats off to ya!

2010-12-01T15:28:00.000-08:00

We have (we believe) a rat that frequents our kitchen. He doesn't eat anything or destroy anything but we often find stuff moved in our spice cabinet and one of our burner knobs mysteriously went missing. For real.

If my life was a Pixar movie, I would think this was pretty awesome. But as things stand, I find it gross... but still a little fun.

Certainly still less gross than this:

Andy Summers is the Michael Collins of music.

2010-11-04T02:44:00.000-07:00

I just can't get it out of my head lately.

It's Facebook Official.

2010-10-16T01:07:00.000-07:00

In the past month, two of my nearest and dearest life-long besties, Eric and Kaitlin, and my first girlfriend Nikki, have all gotten engaged — not to each other. I blame good friends, James and Molly for starting this proposal frenzy earlier this year. Then there's Jaime (my kid sister), Cassie, and Bill Bedsole with the blindside as in I never saw it coming, all within the past few months relatively close to one another. Of course, I probably should blame Todd, Chas and Andy who are not only engaged but already hitched — again, not to each other. But if I'm going to blame those guys I guess the real blame falls on Liz's shoulders for being married before any of them. But I think we all know that the REAL real culprit is none other than Eric Cwikla, who's not only been married longer than I've been able to drink but also has a happy family consisting of four beautiful freakin' tots running around the house! I've done some deep thinking about this recent outbreak and have finally came up with the only conclusion available to my brain:

From diablogic.

You guessed it, John Cusack and the Mayan calendar. Gotta get some quality benefits and insurance before the end of the world.

So to everyone: Eric and Sara, Kaitlin and Nick, James and Molly, Jaime and Matt, Nikki and Mark, Josh and Caroline, Cassie and Tom Collins — Tom gets a full namecheck because his name is freaking Tom Collins, Bill and Jess, Todd and Susan, Chas and Amber, Andy and Dana, Liz and Ryan, Eric and Alexis, I'm on to all of you.

Congratulations to you all for making me look bad. I wish you all all the happiness in the world and anxiously await the opportunity to overstay my welcome at your lovely homes during the hectic holidays with a carton of spiked eggnog by my side and a vocal opinion opposite your Uncle Al's per every heated political discussion.

And here's to you, Nick DIlly. Thanks for being the one person I can count on to not get married before I do (unless you're secretly already hitched, which is a possibility).

My Blu Heaven

2010-09-01T21:02:00.000-07:00

I've been focusing so much of my consumerism on vinyl that I truly just had my mind blown by the new and future releases I "have" to buy from Amazon.com.

Be a pal and either block my computer from visiting such sites or just chip in and buy ALL of these for me. Whatdoyasay?

2010-09-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

You f*@#ed with the wrong kitty this time, Rob Thomas.

"Good crowd...a bunch of dorks..."

2010-08-29T01:21:00.000-07:00

Off my list* of things I MUST do before leaving this life, John Williams at the Hollywood Bowl I can scratch.

Before...

During much of the show...

Literally the first note of the Throne Room Metal Ceremony Theme from A NEW HOPE. Nerds.

* For complete list details, a PDF is available via email or fax by request only.

Nelly. Probably Nelly.

2010-08-23T02:10:00.000-07:00

While digging around my computer, procrastinating writing my life story, I found this deleted Cars.com gem from the day I met Lindsay B.

Rarely does one get the chance to see the exact moment when I stole a girl's heart captured on video like this. It's like spotting a Russian Snow Leopard in the wild — it just doesn't happen. That's what makes this video so darn special (that and how clearly amused with myself I am).

Enjoy me as much as I do!

As long as I'm posting Look-a-like entries...

2010-08-22T23:31:00.000-07:00

From diablogic.

During his stint Washington, Cole Miller split into two alternate realities of existence: The Abducted Cole who's a vegetarian and takes care of himself and the Cole that we used to know who survived solely on french bread pizzas and plain chicken fingers. Using advanced computer technology, we've rendered this image of what Old Cole might look like today given his former diet, complete with a trashy Midwestern waitress serving him two baskets of hot wings. If you've seen this man, please call 1-800-346-3226.

Thank you.

MY NAME'S QUINNE!!

2010-08-22T23:15:00.000-07:00

Our bartender was wannabe (less purdy) Quinne Kunkel, circa 2002. I flinched every time she spoke as I foresaw hurled phonebooks in my near future.

From diablogic.

Note - The other patrons were totally weirded out by my snapping of these candid photos. I would have tried to explain, but felt it was just best to leave.

Another Note - Isn't it cool that if you Google "Quinne Kunkel" your pages are totally the first five google hits to come up?! I don't think that happens with any of our other friend's names. Props to you! You're famous.

There truly is an app for that.

2010-08-14T00:02:00.000-07:00

Max and I solved my eight measures of sax dilemma all with the help of technology — My trusty iPhone and an amazing app called SoundHound. It's like Shazam only cooler because it actually allows you to sing and or hum the song and still somehow finds it. Of course it's Haircut 100, how could I be so foolish?! I can once again sleep soundly. Well worth the $5 to have my sanity back in place. Thanks, SoundHound!

Also, is 1980's Nick Heyward really just Kyle Ferries or what?

"Work"

2010-08-14T00:00:00.000-07:00

From diablogic.

A still more glorious dawn awaits.

2010-08-13T05:27:00.000-07:00

From diablogic.

Roughly thirty pounds and a decade of life lessons separate these two men, yet they are still bound by one omnipotent force: Sagan.

The Cutting Room Floor.

2010-08-12T11:09:00.000-07:00

From diablogic.

One of the many abandoned elements from my Month At The Museum submission — Cut for time, certainly not quality.

The suspense is killing me! I need to know if it arrived on time!!

MONTH AT THE MUSEUM

2010-08-12T04:28:00.000-07:00

Hindsight is 20/20 - Never has an expression been more accurate and applicable to my entire existence.

Most currently, I should have just asked Eric to go during lunch and paid him the $20 it costed for shipping.

And I should learn to NOT wait till the last minute for once.

Now I may never know.

Staying positive.

Applied.

2010-08-10T21:56:00.000-07:00

I sent in my application today. See you in a couple months, Museum of Science and Industry.

Invisible Gurls

2010-07-30T13:53:00.000-07:00

Autotune Phil's little melisma on "But now I know" and you'd truly have a flawless mashup. But things are, that is THE only misstep.

I plan to listen to this for the rest of the day.

"Lunch" = Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner for the rest of the year.

2010-07-29T13:55:00.000-07:00

From diablogic.

The Behemoth - a third pound burger topped with beer soaked onions, pickles and two strips of deep fried bacon nestled between two grilled cheese sandwiches... $10

Truffle oil pomme frites with chipotle ketchup...$3

The conflicting sense of shame and accomplishment I feel as I'm rushed, insurance-less, to the hospital... Priceless.

There are somethings money can't buy. For everything else, there's Grill 'Em All

I see moderately famous people.

2010-07-22T12:52:00.000-07:00

From diablogic

FES's grill. For real.

Today, Tomorrow and Everything Else

2010-04-27T00:03:00.000-07:00

Started my second industry job today and discovered that my second largest vice/harm to my wellbeing is the overly stocked craft service counter. Unlike RUBY, this job offers the full spectrum of tooth decay with the occasional banana if you'd like (which I wouldn't).

Things would appear to be shaping up as I have yet to even file for my first unemployment check and already have a better paying gig and an interview in a few weeks for a network producing gig. Though I must say, I never dreamed I would work in reality, I don't despise it as I once thought I might, but that could be because it's paying the bills. Seriously, if you have any real jobs, don't be afraid to send them my way.

As for everything else, it's good. I'm happier, healthy and slightly (if only very slightly) more productive. It's been ages since I've seen my LA friends and I miss them like mad. Bex and Eliza, we really oughta be dancing soon, don't you think? But I'm settling in to the idea of settling down and just being happy the way things are. I am happy. And at the end of the day, after all the hair pulling, game playing and driving yourself mad, you have to find a way to be truly happy with the way things are. Choose to be happy. When you can make it through the day without screaming into a pillow, that's when you're an adult, so I'm told. For my money, we're all screwed.

Planning on a getaway up the coast and a trip to Vegas to see my favorite redheads, Cole & Quinne (if I still remember what she looks like). Perhaps another Vegas trip will be in store for my golden birthday LOVE.

On a lighter, less sappier note, Daniel pitched a somewhat famous, actually pretty famous (household name famous) our silly little idea about a house cat that works temp jobs, and she's into it and has requested to see something on paper. I won't tell you who she is, but her name rhymes with Tarah Tilverman and is only one letter off from that (and it ain't the "v").

On an even lesser sappy note, LOST started to get good again, I listen to Surfer Blood too much, I have a mustache and a self-inflicted haircut, I actually like the new MGMT, Owl City is THE worst band, we saw Matthew Lawrence at The Bar, mixing the followup to The Crying Tree, this is an actual movie, this is not,"Yeah, dad! Go tree", I like TREME and PARENTHOOD, watch a lot of COUPLING (BBC), have a couple specs started(finally) and can still walk to work, making me the luckiest man in Los Angeles. But I drive anyway... and leave my car running all day. Because I hate the ozone... and AVATAR.

Consider yourselves up to date.

Obsessed much?

2010-04-02T14:08:00.000-07:00

Yes! Percussion-driven Space Age pop, count me in.

A wee bit pissed.

2010-03-17T23:00:00.000-07:00

I attempted to pee in the bottle while hurling down the 405 at speeds upwards of 90mph, attempting to get from Seal Beach to West Hollywood in an half hour for work.

As you can probably gather, neither goal was achieved.

I drank green beer and pissed my pants; my ancestry would be proud.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Meet the new addiction.

2010-03-03T15:48:00.000-08:00

I'm in love.

Fifty bucks this thing costed me.

2010-02-28T00:15:00.001-08:00

If I had a kid, right now I'd be watching Yo Gabba Gabba with them.

...but as things stand, I'm watching it by myself.

Lost and Found

2010-02-17T01:16:00.000-08:00

With its final season of underway, I decided to do my part in the celebration of one of television's most...celebrated shows (LOST) by finally finishing my epic caricature scene, originally conceived in back 08. It all started with a doodle of Mr. John Locke that led to weeks of office hours spent meticulously penciling the cast (eventually leading to a talking to by my boss about "misuse of company hours"). I had given up on the dream for a while, partly due to moving and losing most of the original sketches and mostly due to asking myself, "Why are you doing this again?" Well, with several relatively time-sensitive projects in the queue, I figure what better time to let this unnecessary undertaking reassume the front burner I like to call "procrastination". The goal: May 23rd, colored and posted. The problem: I'm just not sure about the style(or lack thereof). I've recently been obsessed with the 50s abstract style of Pixar's Lou Ramono and his concept art.. This has ALWAYS AND FOREVER been the style I've dreamt of doing. Unfortunately for me, I learned how to draw by thumbing through the pages of Mad Magazine and can only push my caricaturing so far. Bummed, I know that you are. However, I've been really trying to retrain my brain into doing quick rough sketches that convey basically the same amount of information as my 50th draft.

After tonight's brimming-with-Locke episode, I sat down and took a second pass at JL. It's more stylized — Not quite as much as I could push it, but a departure from my typical style, for sure. The issue is, I don't know which I like better. So this is where you come in (yes, you, one person who is reading this and won't respond because you were forwarded here after clicking that link on one of the numerous Zach Braff fansites I designed). I need YOU to determine the style of the piece going forward: Old Locke and New "Man in Black(& white)" Locke, respectively.

For those of you who have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about but wish to weigh in on this anyway, here's the man I'm drawing: Mr. Terry O'Quinn (And what the hell's wrong with you? Do you not own a TV/DVD player? Sit your butt down and watch the damn show already!).

I will say that capturing the entire cast in this style will be a challenge for me, as I can't even recreate this drawing twice, but aren't challenges what I'm all about in the first place? So place your votes, world. In which style would you like to see the finished product or couldn't you care less?

For more viewing pleasures, below is everything I had started for the project. There were more at some point but everything else was...well, Lost.

Shepherd

Kwon

Locke, Claire and Charlie(Claire and Charlie need some SERIOUS touchup work)

Castaways

Oops, how did that get in here?

Gouache Your Eyes Out.

2010-02-15T10:26:00.000-08:00

Well, not REALLY gouache(I didn't have any paint.)

My first go at Cartoon Modern on assignment for my producer. He asked for a 70s-type game show featuring 3 dogs. Feet on the desk, my job is done. The panel design is even the actual design from the Price is Right set!

I plan to rehash this weblog into a one-stop shop for all my creative endeavors, showcasing my photoshop knowhow rather than abuse it as my public whining/whipping post. A drawing a day. Okay, perhaps that's too much. I do intend to take figure drawing/watercolor classes this year. First I need to remember how to compose a...composition NOT on the computer. And relearn perspective. Then, let the gouache painting commence!

...but seriously, how great is that bulldog?

LA Times.

2009-10-14T14:46:00.000-07:00

This morning LAObserved.com posted a blog entry about our video, RAIN: H20...No, seeing as how it finally became topical due to the heavy rainfall. For those of you who don't reside in Los Angeles, seven people died yesterday...from driving in the rain. Stores closed early. And even though the city is in constant impending danger of bursting into flames, mud/rock avalanches and sliding into the Pacific, people still complain about the rain and refuse to go outside. Which makes it all the more ripe for parody, right?

By midday, the LAist and the LA Times had picked up the story and ran the video. How wise of us to make a frenzied viral video months before it would become topical?

Cooper's blowin' up this week.

Weekend Update.

2009-10-12T13:58:00.000-07:00

Saturday Night: Worked the Blink 182 reunion show at the Palladium. Worked backstage and met the band. Mark Hoppus was a dolt but Travis was actually pretty nice. Maybe he's a little more humbled now that he's next on the Final Destination list (joke accredited to Anthony Patiu, though I'm only going to credit him this one time on this very public forum and from here on out, use it freely as my own). Met some b-listers and listened to Tom Delonge say "fart" a bunch of times on stage. He also kept thanking the audience for being "punk rock" and for coming out to a "real punk rock show." Tickets were $75 a head. The event was sponsored by T-Mobile. Real punk rock. The Aquabats opened though, so that was at least fun. It's been years.

After the show, I went and met three lovely ladies(Eliza, Bex and Jeni) for a round of drinks and dancing downtown at La Cita. Ran into TV's Frank, which is always a joy. He demanded that I do my cage days Mick Jagger dance, which was rusty at best. TV's Frank actually knows someone who knows Frank TV and said he will introduce me. This would be amazing if it weren't already awesome. Went back to Spenser's for some post-bar drinkage. Had breakfast at a booth three seats down from a ghost...AND went straight to Best Buy for a 7am meeting.

At this point, please refer to my tumblr for an audio sample and the remainder of this story. If I tried to explain it, you just wouldn't believe me. Take a listen.

How's that for social network cross-platforming?

In the eyes of the law.

2009-10-10T00:57:00.000-07:00

Friday night, after wrapping our first sketch shoot, I left Mark's looking like this:

On my drive home I made two stops: Wendy's for a late night spicy chicken combo.

...and a police field sobriety checkpoint, stopping every single car on Sunset Blvd.

The lady working the drivethru window was terrified. She kept looking at me askance, as if she had her finger tripping the silent alarm just out of sight. "Makeup," I yelled. "Fake blood! Only fake! Pretend!" She seemed to acknowledge the word "pretend" but was still very hesitant to holster her hairy eyeball.

The four surveying, protecting police officers at the checkpoint...didn't say a freaking word. He just waved me through saying, "you're good," as I readied an explanation, worried that I didn't even have my drivers license on me...AND was covered in blood. Neither was necessary. I could have literally, and I mean LITERALLY, just murdered someone and had their chopped up remains in my trunk or at the very least gotten into a car accident, due to drunk driving.

This only proves that in Los Angeles, you can get away with anything, so long as you're white. Maybe we should consider hiring hispanic ladies whom work at Wendy's to do our law enforcement? If they were running that sobriety screening, I would have at least been questioned, if not arrested on suspicion. What a safer world it would be.

SadBook

2009-09-28T11:48:00.000-07:00

I woke up five minutes late for work this morning - five minutes after I was to be AT work, that is. I jumped out of bed, threw on some clothes and went running. But seeing as how I was basically still sleeping, I tripped over my own feet and went sailing through the air (literally... there was hang time involved) on Sunset Blvd. It was the kind of tripping that even while in midst trip, fully aware that I would soon be falling, I was completely helpless. It took three giant steps before I eventually succumbed, tumbling to the sidewalk. The homeless man that distracted me by yelling to me just before I fell, called out in a gravelly voice, "You okay?", bringing a new level of societal role reversal to the ordeal. My arm, elbow, forehand, knees and ankle had all taken a beating though for the most part everything seemed unscathed. So I sprung up and walked the rest of the way thinking everything was fine and no one would even have to know...

Sadly, my computer... He knew.

RedOctane Pulls Production On Blink 182 Guitar Hero After Game Deemed "More Difficult" Than Actually Playing Blink Songs.

2009-09-17T01:18:00.000-07:00

The assembly line came to a screeching halt on RedOctane's "Guitar Hero: Blink 182", the newest edition to the Guitar Hero family, after front man Tom DeLonge failed level one more than three times during today's exclusive Monster Energy and Warped Tour sponsored test run. Diehard fans, who had camped out for days sustained only by energy drinks, watched with aghast as DeLonge(right) reportedly stared at the fretboard saying, "Wait... wait..," before pausing and restarting the level on the band's hit, "All The Small Things". After repeatedly failing to keep the "rock meter" above orange, both real and virtual audiences vocalized their disapproval and the event, as well as a nearby half pipe, were shiftily shut down. "It was like he didn't even understand the rhythm of his own song, nor the concept of having to push more than three buttons at once," said Guitar Hero enthusiast and former Blink fan, Blake Havernach. He went on to add, "It was like watching a pla-- train wreak. It was embarrassing."

Spokespersons for the band pointed fingers at the makers of the popular video game, claiming that the strap provided with the controller didn't give enough slack to be played at the knees, the way DeLonge usually likes it, suggested that its "squareness" might be to blame. When asked to comment, the band's bassist, Mark Hoppus(left) said, "I actually thought he was doing pretty good. A lot better than me, anyway. I'm all thumbs... Get it?"

As of now, the release is considered to be terminated, though RedOctane has been in talks with the band members individually about side project editions, most of which are expected to sound vaguely alike and receive minimal success ultimately leading to an attempted relaunch of the Blink Edition several years past its prime.

The Seal King Barks With The Bears

2009-08-31T14:17:00.000-07:00

Michael McDonald sings Grizzly Bear.

Tom Sizemore is going to kill me.

2009-08-31T12:56:00.001-07:00

Laugh all you want, but it's true: Tom Sizemore knows me by name and is going to hunt me down and murder me.

At work last Friday, I was helping some indecisive Asians choose what computer might best fit their gaming needs when who do I see out of the corner of my eye, none other than the one and only, Tom Sizemore. Having missed Chris Kattan a week prior, I couldn't just let another slip through my fingers, so I quickly wrapped it up with the Asians and leapt the display to assist him. I was going to play it real cool-like by acting as if I didn't know who he was/anything about him. Easier said than done. I've watched the documentaries and I've heard the rumors and well, I could barely look the man in the eye. Those crazy crazy eyes. But in truth, he seemed like an absolute sweetheart, honest. He and his "assistant" - a woman clearly from Jersey and slightly more intimidating than he - were looking to buy a shitload of stuff: A computer, two flat screens, software and everything else Tom could get his hands on. Not only that but they were interested in getting Black Tie Protection on everything seeing as how the last TV met its demise when I lighter was somehow hurled through the screen. Expensive Lighter. What this means for me: Holy Shit. I'm still in "training" and to have a sale of this magnitude would surely mean early promotion, right? So I ran around the store getting them anything they asked about, tending to them for a good 30 minutes. And it's hot in LA right now; I was sweating buckets. I explained both HD and blu-ray to him, both of which he claimed to never have heard of(Good thing I didn't lead with "I'm so excited to hear that Heat finally got a blu-ray release date"-- which I am excited about). He told me I had to talk to him like he was a dumb actor. "Dumb... but GOOD actor," I said, which in retrospect, I wish I hadn't agreed with the dumb part. Dude could literally have me killed. But he laughed and said it was very sweet of me to say. He was very nice and funny but clearly in a hurry. So I sped through explaining the protection plans, stating, "Say if you spilled...'coffee' on your computer. It would be covered." To which his assistant asked, "but it says here during 'normal use'. What does that constitute? Say he's fucking and spills a beer, is that 'normal use'?" One of the many gems she dished out including, "What counter should I bend over" (regarding the many addition Geek Squad services) and "On which aisle do you sell the lube?" His reply: "Classy, huh, Coop. What are you gonna do? White trash, you know what I mean. That's why I only go for the blacks or the high priced hookers. The Heidi Fleisses of the world, know what I'm sayin'?" He kept hitting me in that manly hit-grip way. I was SO in.

Then he went to sit in the car due to his bad knee while we finished ringing everything up. Man, the sale was huge. All of my supervisors were congratulating me. And not only that, I was totally going to be Tom Sizemore's go-to at Best Buy and with any luck, would costar in his next picture. But, they were paying with a starter check... Best Buy doesn't take those. And the card she swiped had a cap on it, of which we were well over with this sale. So, she called the bank and had them talk to Tom, telling me don't put any of it away, and left.

Hours had gone by and stilling no sign of either of them. The TVs and computer mouses sat sadly in the corner still in the cart waiting to be brought to their new home. It wasn't looking good. So I went back to my regular boring life working at Best Buy and the day flew by. Daniel had gotten out of work 15 minutes before I did and kept texting me that I should pick him up. And then a page over the intercom, "Cooper, you have a call on Line 3. Cooper, call on line 3." Fucking Daniel. Always used to call me at Twelve Oaks. Doesn't he realize how busy I am? That I might not be able to come to the phone? On top of that, I was being scolded for not clocking out on time(they really don't want to have to pay us new hires overtime). So I hurried out the door, letting the phone call go.

All night long I told the story of Tom Sizemore and how he screwed me out of a huge sale. Cool story though, nevertheless.

The next day, about a half hour in my shift, a Geek Squad dude ran up to me. "Cooper, right?" Yeah. "Tom Sizemore's on the phone asking about you. Did you set aside all that stuff he had yesterday?" Shit. I hadn't told anyone to do so because I figured she got to the car told him about the check and he said, "Fuck it, let's go." But now it was clear that when she said "don't put any of this away" she meant "ever." And then, an even worse realization: Daniel's phone call was actually Tom Sizemore calling ME to ask ME to hold his stuff. Double Shit. I could have been golden, but now I'm a dead man. They told him that we're not aloud to hold things for over 24 hours and that it wasn't my fault but that didn't stop me from running through the store, finding a serial number for everything I could remember of his giant order and collecting them in the event that he would come in with blood in his eyes ready to murder me. I've seen enough Tom Sizemore movies to be deathly afraid of the guy. Still, he never showed. But now my name, our relationship is sullied in his mind. He spent an entire night thinking about me. Tome Sizemore, the actor, is thinking about me...

(Gulp).

The Widowmaker

2009-08-30T01:26:00.000-07:00

Tonight we went bowling for Jill and Jason's last night in LA. Sad. I barely knew them and I already miss 'em. And... let's be honest... I'm going to miss the shit out of Atti, their dog whom we often babysat. The sweetest puppy-sized cocker in the entire world.

I double-DOG dare you to find a sweeter creature.

Anyway, we went bowling to celebrate their departing and something magical happened. It is no secret that I fancy myself a good bowler especially when factoring in my patented backwards spin bowl that began as a goof to really piss off Mike Masciola turned discovery for the history books. Coined "The Widowmaker", it is an unstoppable force. But this was a Korean bowling alley and we arrived late so all the really good balls that didn't have pinky-sized finger holes were taken, leaving me with no choice but to use an extremely heavy ball. Dangerous considering I threw out my back a week or so ago attempting a Michael Phelps-style kick turn after swimming the length of the pool underwater, racing against an eleven-year-old. I had no idea how it was done and Eric suggested that maybe it was a backflip. It was not. I thought I had died. I'm sure it doesn't help that I spend my days lugging around heavy appliances for Tom Sizemore, either (more on this later). Needless to say, the heavy ball hurt with every bowl. And though I wasn't doing bad, I wasn't hitting my personal best.

After getting a free beer because mine was covered in rust, I stood at the back saying to Daniel, "I have to find a better ball." As the words spilled from my mouth, I leaned on the ball rack, not paying the already pursued balls any attention, when my fingers slid into the most perfect ball in all the land. Greater than the Red #10 I used to love at 99 cent bowling in Rolling Meadows. A swirling galaxy of perfect finger holes x finger distance x weight. T'was... Excaliball. And from there on out, I rocked it hard, beating the twelve people at the party. But that is not the real reason I had to write this blog. The real reason is that Daniel attempted to use Excaliball when I wasn't looking and it rejected him. As he swung the ball back ready to strike, it flew out of his hand right at Michelle and then clunking on the floor behind us. There is but one who can yield the sword from its stone scabbard. It is I. I am its Arthur.

I must steal that ball. Those Koreans have no idea what they're sitting on.

I completely forgot about this video.

2009-08-27T20:07:00.000-07:00

My cousin Devin took this footage on the set of HOME ALONE 2. This is one of the many reasons my cousin will always be cooler than I.

Snoop & Coop

2009-08-24T23:30:00.000-07:00

Down in the L-B-C,
Me and the good doctor D-R-E tokin' on that endo weed,
till it was scary,
Just a couple n****s hittin' up the Queen Mary.

What? You act as though you've never seen a REAL celeb before.

Seriously, how did I NOT get that job?!

2009-08-24T13:11:00.000-07:00

My cover letter to the Jim Henson Company: The Best Cover Letter Ever Written.

To Whomever or Whatnot it may concern:

Hello. My name is Cooper Willis and I've spent the last 5 years working for a Chicago-based production boutique. I'm a film editor by trade, however, working at such a small shop gave me the opportunity to wear many hats in the creative process, from assisting the directors to writing original copy. I recently moved to Los Angeles with hopes of getting my show-stopping musical off the ground, but alas have found that the cost of success is much higher than anticipated. Now my friends have all gone their separate ways, I'm working at a restaurant run by rats to pay off my meals(occasionally breaking into song and dance), and well-- I need a job. But I'm sure you've already heard that story.

All kidding aside, like so many, I grew up in the world of the Jim Henson Company; a world of beautiful art that shapes and inspires us as children and continues to do so as adults. The Jim Henson Company truly is the Magic Store, and it would be such a thrilling opportunity to be part of the magic.

I've included my resume in the body below and as an attachment. It would be an honor to be considered for any current or future opportunities at the Jim Henson Company. If I know anything about myself it is that I would be an asset and team player in any role if given the chance to serve the company that has helped mold me into the person I am today.

Thank you for your time. I really look forward to speaking with you!

Cooper Willis

"...truly the Magic Store"?! "...restaurant run by rats"?! "...Whatnot"?!! Come on, people! Don't bother digging any further cause you just struck the black gold!

"You shoulda hung out, man."

2009-08-13T11:19:00.001-07:00

I'm still trying to piece together the jigsaw puzzle that is last night. I'm terrified to go look at my car because I can only imagine that it's smashed to bits. Why do I guess this? Because there is a slain McDonalds cheeseburger upside down on the floor next to my bed and a napkin that reads "Toshi" in my pocket. This isn't ringing any bells.

The night started at Barragans for $2 margaritas, or I guess I should say, "ended." My big, cool cousin Ryan was in town from New York because he and his buddy had to drive a set piece cross country. Ryan is a cousin that up until yesterday I've only seen at family funerals, which is a shame because we actually get along like gang busters and have the most in common. Hopefully that will change. By the time Mark showed up with Sam(melt) and her friend Mandee, I was already a good 5 margaritas in. I drink at least two more of this half-priced wonders and then we rolled out to Cha Cha.

Cha Cha was considerably less busy than Barragans and the music was a little more on point (I should mention that the DJ at Barragans had a mix going consisting of Shaggy's 'Wasn't Me', TP and the Heartbreakers' 'Free Fallin'' AND J-Kwon's 'Tipsy'. To fully understand what that sounds like, shoot yourself in the ear. Leave the obscure mixes to Girl Talk, friend). We got the big round table and we're all felling good. (Oh yeah, Ryan's friend Mike pointed out to me that Mark has a striking resemblance to George Michael, the singer not the lovable character, and I couldn't get it out of my head for the rest of the night. It's so true. It's all about that crisp 5 o'clock shadow). Anyway, so I start making small talk with Sam's friend who is a nerd for all the same things as me. Gang Busters. She had me at "Mike or Joel?"(<-- dork). Ryan bought the whole table a shot of Patron and this is where things start getting a little hazy. We close the place out and I walked outside to find Ryan making out with a girl in the middle of this huge crowd. There was an Irish guy playing guitar, who I accused of not really being Irish and then mimicked his accent to his face. I asked him if he thought that U2 was probably the biggest band in the world, as this is a topic that's plagued me for weeks. He said, "Yes," he thinks they likely are, but in a real fake Irish kind of way. Then, this dude who for all intensive purposes was in Led Zeppelin or, at the very least, his hair was, told us about a kickin' after hours party. A quick aside for you non-Angelenos: The LA bar scene shuts down at 2:00am. Sucks, I know. But all over the city there are clubs that run under-the-radar of the law, serving drinks until 4:00am. Most are password-protected and have a real speakeasy vibe about them. Okay, back to it.

Next thing I know, I have Zeppelin's number programmed in my phone and I'm following "them" to the bar. They keep driving through weird side streets well off the beaten path, and we're convinced they are trying to shake us. They pull in a driveway and we realize that we just spent the last ten minutes following the wrong person all the way to her house. She looked horrified.

We arrived at the address where a security guard stood unconvincingly NOT guarding anything. The people who invited us hadn't gotten there yet, so we didn't really know what to ask for and simply went with, "What's going on in there?" Immediately upon our arrival, a small, elderly asian woman emerged from the shadows(this is how I remember it, okay?). "What you want," she shouted quietly yet angrily. "We are friends of Jimmy's. He's meeting us here." "Jimmy? Who's Jimmy? I know him?" "That's what he said."

Keep in mind, we never got a namecheck from dude but instead just went with "Jimmy", because of the Led Zeppelin thing.

"You Police?" "No" "None of you Police?" "No, we hate the police... except for security guards." (Turning to the security guard) "Okay, you be quiet and come in, wait for Jimmy."

Jimmy never showed. Really made us look bad. But we were paying customers, so I don't think she cared that much. The bar was amazing. Like a room straight out of Graceland or Isaac Yun's grandma's basement. Asian decor, mirrors covering every wall, floor the ceiling. The bar itself inset into the floor. Everything was porcelain. AND smoking was allowed, indoors! Like civilized people. She kept asking for Jimmy and we just kept shrugging. The best part is she invited us back, which means now I have an in! No more need for Jimmy! And really, I may only go there from now on and just skip the whole bar scene till 2:00 all together.

And this is truly the last clear memory other than Kevin not being able to contain his laughter while fighting me on whether or not McDonalds double cheeseburgers came with lettuce on them, at the window. Now that's what I call reconnecting with family. Quite the night, indeed. Now if I can only figure out who these ten new numbers these in my "recent calls" list belong to... and what the hell "Toshi" means.

That's like some James Bond launch code-type stuff, right there.

For the record and off the topic, Griffin Dunne(pictured above) is the original Steve Carell(not pictured).

2009-08-12T15:51:00.000-07:00

I really thought that this was Kaitlin. Englishy Kaitlin. And despite her dispelling it, I'm still not convinced that it's not. More investigating to come.

Day One.

2009-08-09T16:20:00.000-07:00

Please hold your applause till the end.

Today began my first day of employment with the electronic giant, Best Buy — The first actual job I've been able to get in the seven months since moving to California (Has it really been THAT long?). This minor accomplishment was soon stomped out as I got there and realized that 75 Mexican high school kids had also gotten this same job that I, a college grad, felt I barely pulled out. The dead eyes in that room were haunting. It's a job, nevertheless, and there's nothing wrong with an honest day's work (thanks, dad).

I had been warned on the phone that this particular morning meeting was going to be "hippie-themed" and that I should either "wear some tie dye or dreadlocks hats," which I'd like to point out that "dreadlocks hats" are probably associated more with Jamaicans than hippies but I fear that explanation may have been lost -- after all Jamaicans are kind of like perma-hippies, right? Either way, I wore neither, because I knew that if I had, I would have been the ONLY one doing so. But alas, I was one of the odd men out. It seemed everyone took part in the theme meetings. One manager was even dressed like Jesus which, let's face it, is kind of the paramount of "hippie." But at least no other young blood was brave enough to come draped in Dead Bear scarves reeking of petula. These people had to work for the rest of the day like this.

During our training session, all the new recruits had to go around the room and introduce themselves, saying "Why Best Buy? ______." Brendon, the 18-year-old deemed "energetic" by the trainer, muttered, "I don't know... It's a job," under his breath — The kind of mentality that I would typically put in my "not hirable" category, yet he gets to work the register because he's got a face on 'em. Another interesting fact about Brendon: His Hobbies - "Just like... hang around my house, and stuff." But then we got to Joe, who breathed a bit of life back into the room with his throwaway joke, "Because McDonalds wouldn't hire me. Just Kidding." I followed suit with a quip about how I shortsightedly took art classes rather than a language in high school, and we went on about our merry way watching hours and hours of terribly produced Best Buy Policy training videos. Literally hours later, I was in the break room, minding my own business, neurotically checking my daily internet stops, when Joe walked up to me and said, "I don't know what it was, but that McDonalds joke had me laughing for like 30 minutes." I had to stop and think about this for a minute: "Did I tell that joke and completely forgot about it and now he's complimenting me? No, wait... that was HIS own joke." He went on to add, "I don't know if I was just tired, but I just kept (PRODUCED A CHUCKLING GRUNTING SOUND) all meeting. I mean, I know it's not THAT funny." Is that okay to do? I'm sensing some early signs of Nick Vaught behavior. Must watch out for the "love knife."

My trainer was a slightly taller, California surf girl version of Chiyo, to a tee. It really weirded me out after awhile. Same face, same mannerisms... same outwardly crudeness. But not even that will make up for real Chiyo moving. I have one month to make her change her mind in order for my master plan to take place.

Chicago, will you take me back or is some serious groveling in order?

"Who the hell is Mike Costa?"

2009-07-28T01:04:00.000-07:00

Fanboys, you are about to find out.
Mike Costa To Write Ongoing Transformers Comic

Meaningless before seeing them together.

2009-07-24T03:28:00.000-07:00

Without going too deeply into it, (500) Days of Summer was everything I expected with a few really nice surprises. Boy loves girl, boy loses girl, boy laments over memories through pinhole vision of the "good times", boy lets go. That isn't to say it was bad or I didn't really enjoy it, because it wasn't and I actually did. It perfectly captured the one-sided love story and all its hyperbolical glory. The show-stopping daydreams, the wrought expectations... Everything a guy - who's shaped his entire love life/life in general around the "hero" in the movies, books, music and art he loves - dreads having placed under the microscope before him. These elements along with the out-of-sequence structure really help to keep an otherwise plotless story engaging. And lets face it: The soundtrack doesn't hurt, either.

More than anything, I was so pleased with the audience's reaction to leading man, Joseph Gordon Levitt, which he REALLY is. He's such an under-rated actor and I can't wait for him to blow the house down as Cobra Commander, leaving the world begging for more. I wasn't the least bit excited for G.I. Joe until now.

All said and done, I liked it. I really did. It's just that it met my expected without really pushing past them. But I expected to enjoy it, so check me off your satisfied list, Mr. Webb. Thanks for presenting the world with the rusty cogs of my brain.

I can't believe it's already almost August and my favorite of the year is STILL Adventureland.

Oh, and as for updates in my flipped-turned-upside-down life: I have a job at Best Buy and I'm actually excited about it.
Toilet > dreams.

The Beatles were... Terrifying.

2009-07-11T18:49:00.000-07:00

The Beatles Were Terrifying w/Fred Willard from Fred Willard

What's with me and Italian/Jewish girls' noses?

2009-06-29T01:18:00.000-07:00

Tonight was my second night working for LiveNation and what better concert to really get my feet wet than Phoenix. A definite perk to contrast standing around telling people they "can't stand there." Another perk would be Sophia Coppola, standing feet away from you along with roughly 400 others of Coppola pedigree. True Hollywood royalty. Didn't think about it till now, but it's because of her film and its aces soundtrack that I love Phoenix as much as I do. We spoke briefly and candidly, all the while my eyes fixed on that nose. I've never thought much of her, attractiveness-wise. Tonight, that changed. She was truly lovely.

Besides, just look at it... Melt.

There was also the girl on "Heroes" that Audie and I dubbed, "The Nose." She had me eating out of her hand before ever even saying word one to her(which I never did, because I'm a weenie), especially in profile.

Also, I recently realized that big-4-to-5-note bass drops, as so often found in Phoenix songs, are what I subconsciously associate with "love" or at least the longing-ness of being in love, explaining why they break my heart, even when hearing a song for the first time.

These subjects and more will be brought to light at my next psychiatrist session.

Best. Present. Ever.

2009-05-30T16:24:00.000-07:00

Thanks Daniel and Michelle. This is sure to get me the ladies. FAIL (me, not the awesome present).

Week of Awesome (in Review)

2009-05-30T14:45:00.000-07:00

Friday — Jon Brion @ Largo — Lauren arrived in town just in time. He brought out a string quartet. They played Yeah Yeah Yeahs' Maps and Bowie's Life on Mars. He had a new audio/visual aspect to the show. Awesome? Check.

Saturday — Griffith Park Observatory by day, Dimples by night — The Observatory was really beautiful. My first time up there. Atti, the dog, loved it. Daniel and I climbed rocks lined with signage reading "Dangerous Animals: Beware of rattlesnakes and mountain lions" Awesome? You bet.

Dimples — Sucked. First karaoke bar outside of Japan(in the world) now inhabited by 20-year-olds with fakes who are too young to remember Brandi and Monica's The Boy Is Mine. Terrible karaoke MC who hated his tip-less job and yet failed to put me in the lineup despite several attempts to tip him upfront, to which he said, "Wait until I get you up there, that way you can show everyone how that's supposed to be done." Free DVD of your karaoke performance, which they play immediately after you finish singing so the audience has to suffer it twice. At least 5 minutes of dead air between songs. Lots of "bros." AND, I wasn't allowed to wear my hat inside, but as soon as you get up on stage, you're encouraged to wear viking helmets and wigs. Everyone in California is STILL obsessed with Sublime songs. Mr. Belding (Dennis Hastings) was there. He's a regular. He sang...wait for it... School's Out For The Summer. FAIL. And after, he sat on a stool conveniently placed next to the girl's bathroom, where all the twenty-somethings parading by would stop and say, "Oh my gawd, I like, so love you," as he groped them for pictures. The life of a washed up d-lister, I guess. Nevertheless, some good zooin' took place, so overall: Good, but not Awesome.

Sunday — Melrose Flea Market, The Grove/Farmer's Market, 70mm print of Lawrence of Arabia — Need I say more? A Clockwork Orange, Jitterbug Perfume, one helluva pastrami sandwich, and one of the greatest movies of all time in rare form.

Monday — Brad Besser's Hollywood Hills Backyard Q — So many great people showed. Good times had by all. Pretending to be "too drunk to drive home", I tripped and fell from roughly two feet off the ground directly onto my grill. My face and arms totally cut up. Went home and ate Papa John's w/ Mike and Lauren. Awesome? What the hell, it was a fun day.

Tuesday — Griddle Cafe/Point Dume Beach/ Duke's Fish Taco Tuesday — Again, need I explain? Dolphins jumping while stuffing my face with $2.50 fish tacos.

Wednesday — The Getty, Muholland Drive, Half-priced sushi in Westwood — Check.

Thursday — Birthday — ...

I grow tired of this blog. Just know that the week was awesome.

Two weeks of hard work...

2009-05-09T17:08:00.000-07:00

Paid off last night. A 7,000-person-strong pat on the back.

From the people who brought you Caution: Falling Ice...

D-Day

2009-04-29T14:07:00.000-07:00

I walked past Andreas Deja while at the studio today. We didn't even speak, he just said hello to my friend Elissa, and yet it still might be the coolest thing that's ever happened to me.

Hook, line, and sinker.

The Blu-ray Machine is Broken

2009-03-27T03:34:00.000-07:00

Not only is The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (pronounced: 'butt•hole) ACTUALLY coming out on Criterion Blu-ray this summer, but it's announcement also brought about the termination of the scheduled (and much anticipated by this guy) Ran Blu-ray release. To make matters worse, I already sold my DVD copy of Ran out of excitement.

It really wasn't a good movie, America. I promise. I don't know who's paying you to say otherwise, but I'll pay you double. Triple. Just think on it for a minute.

As for you, Criterion, you failed to present the promised Walkabout, you took away my Ran, and now THIS lapse in judgement? I think you got some s'plainin' to do.

Oh, and you owe me a DVD.

It's about time, Lindsay!

2009-03-13T14:12:00.000-07:00

The first time I ever met Lindsay she interviewed me. 8 hours later I was scuffing up the floor at Bamboo Room. That's how I roll.

2009-03-12T20:06:00.000-07:00

When I dropped my car off for repairs it was only going to cost $15.00!

When I picked it up, it ended up costing $878.99.

Either my mechanic quickly racked up quite a debt at the Ho Chunk down the street or he REALLY needs to buy a new calculator.

Only in LA...

2009-03-12T18:56:00.000-07:00

can your news anchor use "Junk in the trunk" during a segment about diabetes.

Unique Things To Say To...

2009-03-11T07:23:00.000-07:00

Since the embarrassment of what is now being referred to as "The Heidecker Incident," Daniel has taken to keeping a pocket-sized moleskin cheat sheet of handy quips he'd lay on celebrities upon meeting them. I just thumbed through it. So far, all he's got is:

"Tom Hanks — 'How's Toy Story 3 comin' along?'"

Not the most thought provoking of attention grabbers, but certainly an improvement over "TIIIIMMM!"

The other night we saw Nick Kroll on a date at the burger joint down the street from our place. I asked Dan what he might say to him if they were to exchange words later and his answer was, "It's too bad CAVEMEN got canceled," something that surely brings up bad memories, rather than say, talk about the success of his current show. In the end he got to say, "Are you Nick Kroll? I'm a big fan of your work," which seemed to flatter both Nick Kroll and his date, who was on the fence about it at first but now was DEFINITELY going to give him a beej. So I'd consider the encounter a success, even if we did have the iPhone out on the table open to the CAVEMEN IMDB.com page to find out what Nick Kroll's name was. Jot it down.

Want Blog

2009-03-11T06:21:00.000-07:00

It's really difficult for me to determine which I'd want more: Little Boots or Tenori-on.

I think you'll find the "new holiday price" VERY enticing.

Surprise!

2009-01-26T15:13:00.000-08:00

We met Tim Heidecker this weekend at Rainbow. We were also deeply immersed in a game of "fake celebrity look-a-likes" so Daniel didn't believe me when I whispered to him, "Tim Heidecker is standing right behind you." With his back turned, Daniel shouted out in his deepest voice, "TIM!" interrupting his conversation. He turned to look me dead in the eye, as if I were the asshole who said it. It was awkward. That's got to be THE worst way to meet someone you like: drunkenly shouting their name and THEN approaching them. So I tried to do some damage control by saying, "What are you doing here?" while shaking his hand for far too long. "We just played the Vic," he told us while scanning the room for someone, ANYONE, to provide him with an escape, closing with a very underwhelmed, "You missed a hell of a show." It was about this time that Daniel decided his best bet for smoothing things over was to thoroughly explain our "fake celebrity look-a-likes game" and point out the "Dude K.D. Lang" sitting at the bar and THAT'S why he did yelled. Tim acknowledged Fake K.D. Lang, 180ed and be-lined the opposite direction... It was awkward. Thanks, DAN.

I got ejected from the Bamboo Room for scuffing up the floor

2008-12-17T13:16:00.000-08:00

Once, I got ejected from Bamboo Room for scuffing up the floors. Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration. Once, I got reprimanded, by a rather large bouncer, at the Bamboo Room for scuffing up the floors. Let's back up...

Like so many Schaumburg "night clubs", the Bamboo Room — now known as, Club HEAT — is located in a shopping center (spelled: "cen•tre"), next to a Joann Fabrics, no less. It's somewhat set back from its surrounding so as not to mar the illusion that when you leave your car with the valet, he's NOT just parking it twenty feet away at the Panera (which he almost certainly is). Once inside, one should expect to find an abundance of hair gel, vertically-stripped dress shirts and the air of misapprehension that can only thrive in glorified strip malls, which is exactly why they enforce a dress code — No holey jeans, no crummy tees, no hats and no sneakers.

I would go there (mainly for the sake of irony, but let's not kid ourselves, I know how to cut a rug) and every time I'd leave thinking the same thing, "I don't think I'll ever go back in there again." There was the Halloween when I was dressed as Orion's Belt — some girl came up to me insisting that I was "The Glowing Man," which isn't in any way, a thing — and got my wallet stolen. And the time I got bullied by a 6'2" dominatrix after a club-clearing brawl broke out (we're talking bottles-smashed-over-heads brawl, which I mediated by holding the two main dudes apart at arm's length, as they minced words, blood oozing down their faces) because I told her to stand on the curb. But those stories and more, true and unreal as they are, will have to wait for another day.

This particular night, Eric promised to bring Lindsay, his fetching coworker who I had only met hours eailer while filming a piece for cars.com (which has YET to make its debut... Lindsay), so I was to be on my best behavior. Sadly, what follows IS my best behavior. I wore my dancing shoes, my only pair of NOT SNEAKERS, to both meet the required dress code and impress, adequately. I'm pretty shy when it comes to meeting people so the first half of the night was rather slow. We sat and talked, drank a few drinks and eventually made our way to the upper level. From the second floor there is a great view of the dance floor where I would unleash moves the likes of which she'd never seen and she would overwhelmed by my charm (in theory, it's solid. I let my feet do the talking). Eventually, Sara and I headed down and began ripping it up. This is the beginning of the end... sorta.

The first bouncer to approach me simply said, "Excuse me, you'll have to keep both feet on the floor. You are a little too unruly," to which I replied, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I shouldn't dance... on the dance floor."

"Dancing is fine, but you already punched a kid in the eye."

I should clarify that the eye-hitting incident that he was referring to had LITERALLY happened fifteen minutes prior to this conversation and I'll admit, I may have been swinging my arms around and sort of "decked" an Asian kid in the eye, but I graciously apologized straight away, offering any assistance I could, so it wasn't as though I was purposely punching eyes the way he made it sound. And besides, that was fifteen minutes ago. Why did he take so long to come over and passively scold me for punching someone? Next play is in progress, pal. Too late to be throwing flags.

For the remainder of the night, I managed to keep both feet grounded and everything seemed to be going pretty smoothly. Lindsay and I shared jests about the wheelchair kid in the middle of the dance floor (and yes, I realize how insensitive and monstrous that makes us sound, but that's just who we are and why we hit it off. But all joking aside, REALLY, what was he doing in the middle of the dance floor?!). And so the bond began. Many drinks and Nelly songs later, I again became, "unruly." In my defense, my feet remained firmly planted on the floor, as instructed. My "dancing shoes" have inch-thick rubber soles, perfect for that extra bounce in your step. This also makes them the ideal tool for quickly and diligently scuffing up as much of the dance floor as humanly possible. Huge swooping scuff marks, mostly for my own amusement. I disguised this trifling act of terrorism with a move that has become to be know as the "Travis Ass Dance", which you really have to see to understand and even then, maybe won't. Once my masterpiece was complete, I let Eric, Sara and Lindsay in on the joke and all of its glory. It was a mess, but hardly something to concern yourself with. After all, they were scuff marks. I went to fetch another round and when I came back, roughly ten minutes later, bouncer #2 grabbed my arm, exclaiming, "Look what you did!"

This was the actual conversation, best I can remember:
"Look what you did!"
"What?"
"All this!" (Points to the floor)
"How do you know I did that?"
"I saw you."
"Saw me when?"
(Still firmly grasping my arm) "Look, I saw you doing it. You're gonna have to clean this shit up!"
"It's scuff marks..."
"Yeah(?)"
"It's hardly the WORSE thing that's happen to the floor" (Points to where a girl threw up awhile ago.)
"You're gonna talk back? Do you want to get thrown out? Because I don't want to throw you out!"
"Look, I'll clean it. Do you have a cloth or a mop or something?" (Wasn't intended as "being smart")
"Don't be smart!"
"I'm not! Look, it comes right off, see?" (Uses side of shoe to wipe away scuff marks)
"Alright, alright." Stop. Just don't let me catch you doing it again."

And so there I stood, a twenty-five year old man in the clutches of a gorilla three times my size, using my shoe to slowly and steadily clean the many marks I had unleashed all while Lindsay watched in shock/horror/amusement.

First Impressions are key.

My 26 Years of Life

2008-11-24T16:03:00.000-08:00

Have taught me many things. They've taught me all about love, loss, heartbreak, character, and unbridled joy.

But the one thing they haven't taught me is that if a public toilet is full of toilet paper, never assume it's just because the last person was inconsiderate and try to flush it — It WILL overflow on your shoes as you manically try and Macgyver-rig it to a stop.

Your best bet is to always just walk the other way.

It's a Well-Known Fact

2008-11-24T14:04:00.000-08:00

That robots can't say no to a challenge, so should enraged robots ever inhabit the planet, challenge them to a game of catch; you will own them.

If I ask you out just to feel you up, just remember...

2008-10-28T14:57:00.000-07:00

Don't shoot the messenger.

Swimming Pools: The Above-Ground Level of Popularity

2008-09-17T16:06:00.000-07:00

Growing up, we never had a swimming pool, although our backyard was prime real estate for one. Seriously. I could have crammed a twenty-foot trampoline, a half-court basketball court and the largest personal swimming pool Hoffman Estates had ever seen and I had drawn up the schematics to prove it (That is until they began to interfere with my off-site basement / recording studio I was going to dig out under the backyard). But blueprints, as accurate and cost efficient as they may have been, were never enough. "You can swim at Eric's or Brian's pool," my mother would say. "You don't need your own." Then my father would chime in with, "Besides, with our backyard out on display to the public like that, teenagers will break and swim," leaving mom with a scenario she had yet to play out in her worrisome mind. "Maybe we should get a taller fence... but no pool. We don't want to invite trouble." And I would explain that without the pool there would be no reason to consider "break and swims", the only thing necessitating a taller fence in the first place. In the end, it was all fruitless.

The thing they never understood was that owning a pool had nothing to do with swimming. Above-ground pools have the enjoyment longevity of say, going to see The Police reunion tour: It seems like a cool idea and may be enjoyable for a couple of minutes, but soon you'll realize it's just old, repetitive and overpriced and begin to understand why they hated Sting and broke up in the first place (This is merely a dramatization. I personally did not attend the $80(+) per ticket show and it is not my intention to make any of you whom did, feel bad with my hitting-the-nail-so-completely-dead-on-the-head comparison). Basically, you can have about 15 minutes — TOPS — of pure enjoyment in an above-ground pool. So if I wanted to swim and have fun, I would go to the aquatic center or over to Brian's because he lived next to the much older Julie Steffano, and if we patiently pruned ourselves for long enough, we just might get a glimpse of her in her bikini through the tall, "break-and-swim"-proof fence. The thing my parents and so many parents just didn't get was at that tender pubescent age — that time of your life when all you wanted to do was be waterlogged with members of the opposite sex — having your own pool was basically the equivalent to having your own apartment. A nice little night cap to a long day of fun swimming at the aquatic center. "Hey, you want to come back to my place and, uh... swim?"

The above-ground pool was my generation's hot rod. In the '60s, everybody and their cousins were cruising, and as boring as it must have been, if you had a hot rod, you could score babes. The personal pool is the same concept, different form. And to be honest, it's a little more straight to the point, Pops. Because there they were, filling out bikini tops and you (at best) owned a third-generation VHS of "Empire Strikes Back" taped off the USA Network last Christmas, and the two Christmases before that. But they didn't need to know about any of that. They didn't even need to know your last name. Proper use of the English language? Don't bother. There was only one word that mattered. "POOL is my house has," you'd scream in their face after ogling them silently for five minutes. Just as long as you blurted out that magic word, they couldn't stay away; like teenage girl crack.

The Personal Above-Ground Swimming Pool

In all its white-washed aluminum/ lumpy lining glory. Like shooting fish in a barrel. If a technique to public speaking is visualizing the audience naked, the swimming pool meets you halfway. There, you could not-so-sneakily ogle while working on your conversing skills — A personal test-audience to try material for the much more cruel clothed world of junior high.

But the reason we didn't "need" a pool is probably the same reason so many American families don't have them: because our parents didn't have them, "and look how they turned out." They went to public pools and ogled with everyone else. And truthfully, it makes more sense. You have WAY more fun and get to see WAY more people— I get it. Nobody "needs" a personal swimming pool, but you're setting the curve by having one. It's like when Apple first introduced the personal computer — even Bill Gates thought it was a frivolous idea, a man who has since made billions from them. Or the first microwaves, or the first DVD players of the mid-nineties. We didn't NEED any of those things but by owning them we proclaimed to our noisy neighbors, "I can cook a hot dog in 30 seconds, can you?"

For pubescent teenagers, the ability to invite kids, especially those of the opposite sex, to your swimming pool is just as empowering. And I would be willing to guarantee that those who had pools were the first to have girlfriends and the first to be "good with girls." I know Eric was (despite his chicken legs). I had a girlfriend, but we never had anything to do (that and the fact that I was under the impression that she was Eric's friend, "Kally", when she turned out to be Eric's friend, "Kelly"). If only I had a pool to invite her to, who knows, maybe we'd be pool shopping for our kids today, so long as I learned the correct vowel change.

So, parents, if you're reading, do the future of America a huge favor if you haven't already: Buy an above-ground pool. Your children will never stop thanking you.

Now, don't even get me started on in-ground pools. Those kids are assholes.

This Day In History

2008-09-11T10:27:00.000-07:00

The world, and certainly America, will not soon forget the events that took place on this very day in history. A day when time seemed to stand still as we hopelessly watched the fate of our two towers and our nation fall into the hands of evil men. And by 10 am(EST) one tower had fallen.

That's right people, I'm talkin' Kanye vs. Fiddy.

In a PR stunt that swept the nation, rapper/vitamin water endorser 50 (Curtis) Cent announced that if his album, "Curtis" was out-sold by the brash Kanye West's junior album, "Graduation," he would duck out of the music industry by "never releasing another solo album," from which any other culture might take as a hollow stake hyperbolically stating the worth of his labor, America spun into the biggest rap battle since Biggie "ghosted" Tupac. However, Kayne and Fiddy are not the "evil men" in this scenario but rather the red herrings of this confidence game. No doubt, they benefitted largely from this mutually... beneficial sales stunt, but the real evil behind this scheme on this, the six year anniversary of the biggest tragedy ever to happen on American soil, is in the hands of the media. And as silly as this is, it was an important day for America, and we blew it.

I know that sounds like a joke, but it's not. I don't mean we blew it because we only chose Kanye 957,000 to 691,000 (phew), but because we had a chance to show the industry that we weren't going to swallow any old line that they feed us anymore and put an end to marketing as the controlling force in music buying. To put in in simpler terms: We could have completely avoided T-Pain, period. For years, the industry (not exclusive to the music industry) has relied on the media to sell it's product and sadly it works - How else can one explain the green-lighting of The Hottie and the Nottie? But especially in the music business, thanks to the few hard working people, this was starting to fade. Media wasn't selling CDs because... CDs weren't selling. Denial would lead to the eventual collapse and demise of this media-driven infrastructure and only good could come from its retooling.

But then, there it was: Kanye vs. 50. Two guys who've thrown passive aggressive punches that never seemed to actually land over the years, now caught in a balls-to-the-window(TO-THE-WALL) feud. Careers at stake. Our beloved Kanye in peril... wait... He didn't say he was going to quit? So, was it that we all just wanted 50 to?

It's a simple concept:

Exhibit A - By purchasing "Graduation," you are eliminating the threat of Fiddy (everything ghetto in hip-hop), thereby insuring your stock and the well being of all that is Kanye (everything "pure"/artistic in hip-hop).

That is what the people who actually thought Fiddy would quit must have thought while standing in line at their local Best Buy that tuesday morning. Well, I have news for those people: he didn't quit. I saw him on Conan last night. Unless he was promoting his "acting" career or something, I wasn't really listening - too busy trying to DL the new Kanye drop.

But now, let's pull back the curtain, and see what was really goin' on.

Exhibit B (and uh... try to keep up) - By overplaying Fiddy's statement and marketing it as a "feud," networks get their viewership by covering this non-newsworthy story on their on-the-cusp of prime-time entertainment shows, who pull in their ratings. Both artists get free publicity for their upcoming albums as well the "buzz" behind their heated feud, which increase both of their album sales, exponentially, benefiting the record executives who skimped out on the usual advertising, using the profit and advertising budget to buy West these glasses, to sell to them as, "Kanye Glasses" to this guy.

...Who can't see - due to his shutter-like vision - while driving his GM car, who crashes into a GE power plant and make's it back on the NBC news at five right before Access Hollywood. It's all relative.

So, when that kid shows up in the hospital as a result of buying Kanye shutter glasses, it only confirms that media still plays. It's not the quality of the sex and it's never "how you use it." How many and how big; That is Marketed America. Mainstream media hype seems to be a thriving way to peddle crap to, well, the mainstream and they'll keep shoveling it down just as soon as they can shit it out.

We needed those towers (of rap, I guess?) to fall last Sept. 11th. Had they only done moderately well, perhaps the world as we know it have have changed. Perhaps we would have found new ways to live our lives without the latest nip-slip featured on PerezHilton.com and cared more about talent in numbers than numbers in talent. Or perhaps, maybe it wouldn't have mattered. We'd care for a couple of years and then go right back to the way things were.

It's just too late to tell.

Who's Up For A Duel?

2008-09-09T14:59:00.000-07:00

If your life's anything like mine, then right now you're probably sat there, slumped in your computer chair, searching YouTube when you "should" be "working," willing - with everything you've got - the clock to move that much closer to the whistle blowing so that you can go home, stuff your face, drink yourself into a stupor, watch some "YouTube videos" while you "should" be "sleeping," and if all luck fails — luck in this instance meaning wishfully thinking that either you'll drunkenly die in your sleep or that in the middle of the night some unknown third-party snuck into your office, loaded it up with cyclotrimethylene trinitramine, and blew it all to Timbuktu — you'll be pulling the same routine day-ba-day. Well, did it ever occur to you that people (YOUR ANCESTRY) had means by which to get shit done? You guessed it: Dueling.

Dueling is one of mankind's most endangered pastimes, kept alive almost singularly by the gang-bangers and frat boys of today(God bless 'em). With the standards, ethics, and morals that we humans have subjected ourselves to, the raw power of the mano-a-mano duel has been distilled into sport, with corresponding "sportsmanship" or "pussification" as I affectionately know it. This simply means people are "dueling" only at an enjoyment level at which they MAY win a gold metal out of it (that's right, Phelps, even you are subject to this atrocity).

But dueling isn't about handshakes and warm hearts. Dueling is about...dueling. Muckraking. Shaking up the system and sticking it to the man, whomever that man might be. The freedom that this country prides itself on is derived from the duels of its birth, thus Duel=Freedom, Respect, and Everything else worth fighting for. These attributes are not restricted to our founding fathers and directly apply to every namby-pamby who actually shows up at 3pm to fight his/her bully. Once the pummeling subsides, either they've parished or walked away a hero to the millions of mamma's boys just like them. Black eyes and bruises are no match for changing the way the world looks at you, even if they're only looking at that shiner Billy Mayhew left on your face.

So who in history has famously dueled?

Did you know that Tycho Brahe — astronomer (one of my personal favorites) — lost part of his nose in a duel? It's true. The stage: A drunken duel w/ rapiers with a fellow Danish nobleman. It was Christmastime and Tycho was attending a dance at a professor's house (The rugs they must have cut back then). The duel famously took place in near darkness after the two squabbled, leaving Tycho sans the bridge of his nose. The occasion set forth a new venture in Brahe's life as he became intensely curious of medicines and alchemy. And from that day forward, he wore a replacement nose said to be made of silver and gold* that exclaimed to the world, "Ye should lay glance upon thy other guy."

Undoubtedly, one of America's most notable duels occurred on July 11, 1804 when one Aaron Burr shot and fatally wounded Alexander Hamilton. The abridged version: A long-standing political and personal rivalry that carried on over many years lead the two men to a spot known as the Heights of Weehawken in New Jersey - a popular dueling ground below the towering cliffs of the Palisades. Hamilton and Burr agreed to take the duel to Weehawken because dueling had been outlawed in New York (the same site was used for 18 known duels between 1700 and 1845.) There, witnesses say that Hamilton, exemplifying courage, fired his shot into the air and away from Burr. But this was not protocol and Burr mistook this act of bravery as "throwing away his fire", returning fire onto Hamilton, lodging his musket ball into his abdomen. He passed on the next day. Burr was charged with murder but never tried until many years later after a string of several other run-ins, including being tried for treason. Long story short, sure Burr finished out his term of service as Vice President, but who's face is on our money? That's right, the former treasurer. How's that for results?

For a complete list of recorded famous duels, click here

Well if humans aren't dueling, then where can I find duels in nature?

Exactly. In nature. Every other species on Earth can be found dueling nearly everyday. Only they don't call them duels, because they are animals— I don't know what they call it.

In the animal kingdom, males will primarily duel over three things: Food, territory, and a fine fox (or the female of whatever species they are. In this particular example: Foxes).

Male deer, known as bucks, will lock antlers and continue circling each other, sometimes for hours, until one proves to be the more dominate of the two. Rams charge and butt heads with each other at speeds that have resulted in one of the animal's hooves falling off. These chauvinistic duels can often end fatally or at the very least leave the losers tattered and marked with shame — definitely the case for the ram who's F@&*ING FEET came off! The winner gets to keep what's now rightfully his piece of land, and also gets to break himself off a little piece of tail. The female, at his beckoning, will carry and nurture his kids (talking goats now, keep up).

Now, I know you bra-burning feminists are getting your granny panties all up in a bunch over that (we'll duel it out later). But you should first know that the female, IN EVERY OTHER SPECIES BESIDES MAN, like this show of testosterone. In fact, they encourage it, NAH...they REQUIRE it. This is their way of deciding who can best protect and care for them and their young, or in today's girl terms: Who has the most expensive car/ best playlist on their iPod. It's all relative. Animals are attracted to each other chemically through pheromones, often produced in these overblown displays of testosterone. What can you can, they make their man work for it.

I think it's time to once again return the human race to it's normal (natural) state of existence. So whatdoyasay? Flag pole, 3:00pm? See you there.

* In 1901 Tycho's tomb was opened and his remains were examined by medical experts. The nasal opening of the skull was rimmed with green, a sign of exposure to copper, not silver or gold. But I would've double-dared you to be the guy to call him on it back then!

Karma Police

2008-09-04T14:10:00.000-07:00

Finding money on the ground feels like a reward for some good deed you've done in the past - say, holding the door for a lady who was texting, bluetoothing, and lattè-ing with no free hand to hold on to, say, her six dollars - but as soon as you commit to bending down to pick it up, it begs the question: Is this a reward for my kindly samaritanship or is it really just stage one in a 12 step bad karma process - Step 1: Taking what doesn't belong to you and Step 12: dropping your six dollars whilst leaving Starbucks, bluetoothing?

Your initial reaction once the money is in hand is to look around to see if anyone is shooting you a scornful glare, or at the very least, to make sure you're not on some wacky candid camera show. Check. Next, look for people who might have recently dropped it (elderly woman / businessman on the move). It's at this point when people begin to notice you looking at them, so to avoid any scrutiny you feel the need to announce, "Did anyone drop this?" This statement definitely favors your karmic fate at surface value but doesn't really do so in the long run. A) Because this is where you get taken by someone whom does not burden themselves with karma and lies to you saying "it's theirs" even though you know it's not because you saw them sitting there reading the new "Wassup" when you arrived and this money seems to have only recently been dropped B) You've wasted your good karma on a greedy person or C) Perpetuated bad karma by STILL not returning the money to it's rightful owner. But they dropped it? They don't OWN the money like they would a dog. They were the one's who who neglectful with it in the first place.

So, what do you propose I do, voice in my head? It's not as if I can go give it to the Starbucks girls and say, "Excuse me, someone dropped this five dollar bill and this one dollar bill, totaling six dollars. I was wondering if you guys had a lost and found of sorts, that way when the owner of this six dollars comes back they could pick it up?" No, because at the end of the day those girls are just going to split it, three dollars each, as part of their tip money.

But they've worked hard getting you your iced tea. Shouldn't they be rewarded as well?

I know, louder gayer voice, but then I'd be out the six bucks.

But that would come back to you, tenfold.

Whose side are you on ?

So anyway... Check. No claimers - a very moral bunch. But it's not over yet. Because now a room, or in this case train station, full of honest people - especially the gangly slow kid who chimed in with, "No, I used my Starbucks pre-paid card" - watch as you walk out the door, pocketing the six dollars that obviously wasn't yours when you asked moments ago, and suddenly your small gesture of the honesty gets turned against you as you become the guy stealing the money. "You either die the hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain." Never have more poignant words been spoken.

All that Glitters is Gold

2008-08-22T09:24:00.000-07:00

I just found out that MTV's Smash Mouth is playing the famed Downtown Palatine Street Fest tomorrow! That's right, after you're done with the community outdoor bingo (11am-6pm), be sure to stop by the "main stage" and check out the "triple platinum artists as they showcase their modern/retro style of music featuring Top songs including 'Walking on the Sun' and 'All Star,' as well as performing covers of popular songs such as The Monkees' 'I'm a Believer', War's 'Why Can't We Be Friends?' and The Beatles' 'Getting Better."

They go on at 10pm but don't just make the trek out for them. There's literally TONS more to do! Be sure to check out the face painting, Health Quest Fitness Demo, Twinkles the clown (12-4), THE Jessie White Tumblers and Rock Band Karaoke as well as other great opening bands with band names the likes of "Chicago Rock Circus" and "Hi Infidelity," kicking off at 11am sharp (Oh, and Charlie's Talking Heads tribute band will be there too, but they are actually cool)!

So don't miss the fun in good ol' sunny P-town Saturday, August 23rd!

My Name Is Jonas

2008-08-06T10:26:00.000-07:00

Would someone please explain to me why The Jonas Brothers released a completely instrumental version of their sophomore album, The Jonas Brothers?

While you're at it, would you please also explain just what the hell a "Jonas Brother" is?

In the year 2008...

2008-07-03T13:39:00.000-07:00

Grown-ass women will obsessively shrine-out their Toyota Paseos to pre-teen, kid-bopping sensation Hanson, all of whom (combined age) are still younger than she was when that single came out.

Those little girls must have had some impact.

The Laws Have Changed

2008-06-23T14:58:00.000-07:00

Basic Laws of movies that may come up in real life situations.

Your Welcome,
Cooper

THE SALARY MAN: If you a wearing a suit in a working class martial arts film, you are the bad guy (This is especially true if your opposition is Jackie Chan). A white suit, which would normal instill trust and purity, is used to confuse the hero into trusting this person until the second act, while a black or dark suit makes us aware of your wrong intentions right from the start.

In many occasions, this dark-suited man will cause the hero much grief until the third act when suddenly their desires align, and they are likely to fight the REAL antagonist together, back to back.

THE "I'M OVER IT" STIGMA: Two things can be determined by this: One, you are the hero. Two, you're in for a whole lot of shit. Your apathetic outlook toward the job you've been working for "too long" or couldn't get time off from for the holidays, can ensure you some heavy terrorist-like shit tornado is about to go down and you'll be in the eye of the storm. And all though you were going to walk away just this morning, now you can't. You're TOO damn good at your job. Besides, you know the commissioner is going to insist that you and your family get away for a couple weeks vacation right before the ambulance drives you off into the sunset.

NOTE: it is important to remind yourself that you are either too old, or too extremely apathetic for "this shit." Too much enthusiasm can almost guarantee your certain and untimely demise.

"NEVER TRUST ANYONE": It's said for a reason. The man who says that is simply telling you, "Don't trust me." And the only reason he's telling you this now, is so that he can rub it in your face later. Sort of an, "I told you so" kind of thing. And the girl... Never trust the girl. You're lust for her should be the first inclination that she is a villainous bitch. No one lusts over the good girl; they fall in love with her. Not just some passionate argument turned mutual hate-fuck. That's a sign of danger, no matter how much more enjoyable it seems than regular sex. But even if you find yourself falling in love with her, don't trust her. Because she is a woman, and women are conniving and not to be trusted.

Note: With the delivery of this line, all the foreshadowing is placed in your lap. You know, by the end, there will be one or more people who you've thought about trusting, turning on you. Your best bet is to stand by the people you know from the preceding films or novels and go for the ungrateful ugly girl that you utterly loathe. It's in the cards.

THE PREMATURE ACT-BREAK KISS: If you're in search of love and you're kissing the girl of your dreams before the end of the second act, it's not going to last. She's not the one, no matter how much you try willing it to be true. It's TOO early. Hold off as long as you can, but if you can't hold off any longer, look around, because the real girl is bound to be near by. For example, your next door neighbor who is into theater and listens to The Eels, or something like that. You know, the one who's kind of hot if it weren't for those glasses and overalls.

THE STORM-TROOPER EFFECT: It's really quite simple. If up against a faceless army, the hero never gets shot, no matter how many people are shooting at him. Despite their life-long commitment to becoming profession marksmen — highly trained soldiers for basically this ONE and ONLY purpose — they can't hit shit. They are more likely to shoot each other than the hero. If you are assembling an army, be sure to give them all names and ranks. This way they can at least get off a shot to the leg or shoulder.

THE LAW OF THE INVERSE NINJA: Basically, the fewer ninjas in a room, the harder it is to defeat them. But get together a whole room full of equally trained ninjas, piece of cake. Even with the the element of surprise on their side. It's one of the rare occasions where the idea of strength in numbers is flawed. It is easy for one man to take on fifty or sixty ninjas that he was not expecting, but two or three that he is somewhat expecting...Well, good luck. I suggest backup at this point in the game.

*An amendment to the Inverse Ninja Law: When entering a room full of ninjas, it is important to remember that the skilled ninjas are actually in the next room over. After putting fifty ninjas in an unconscious daze, you may wish to consider going back out the door you came in. Look for an alternated route to where you need to get to, or at least catch your breath. After all that, I'm sure you could use it.*

THE ETERNAL DEATH: Heroes, if shot several times in the chest, don't loose hope. While henchmen may only require one bullet to the knee to render them useless, you still have a good twenty rounds of ammunition and a monologue to roll off. Just grind your teeth and see your infinite death scene to fruition. Don't concern yourself with telling your wife/ girlfriend you love her or passing on a case-breaking secret to your rookie partner — you'll get to. Or at the very least, half of whatever it was you wanted to say right before you finally fade. But for now, finish the job that you were too old for and so totally over.

Color Me Proud.

2008-05-30T15:30:00.000-07:00

Mike gets reviewed.

...He also really likes his They Might Be Giants shirt... Ladies?

Typical Situation

2008-05-29T17:16:00.000-07:00

First, this:

(courtesy of www.killsometime.com)

Secondly and for nerds only, this:

(courtesy of Latimes.com and brought to my attention via Donald)

After he made that huge fucking stink about it. After going back and destroying his own movie to make sure you could more clearly see what he actually wanted you to think had transpired... He fucking wears the shirt, like a fucking fanboy. And on the set of his new installment of another series of movie he's never seen, in front of the very actor who played Solo and hated it, no less.

W.W.M.M.D?

2008-05-29T15:29:00.000-07:00

When life throws you a curveball, just sit back and ask yourself: "If in this same situation, what would acclaimed singer/song writer and world renowned background vocalist Michael Mcdonald do?" Initially, you may think: quit Steely Dan to head up the Doobie Brothers for a short period before eventually moving on to your more soulfully smooth solo career— but that thought process would be totally wrong.

First, he'd kick off his boat shoes.

Then, he may or may not take a sip of his piña colada (depending on whether or not he made himself one).

And then, he would sit down at his yacht's baby grand piano, and belt out heartfelt lyrics about his situation.

And THEN, he would remind himself of all the success and respect—in both black and white communities— he's encountered over the years, due entirely to a) his ability to tell it like it is and b) his seal (the animal, not the singer)-like vocal range.

Finally, he would give Kenny Loggins a ring to see if he would be up for a tennis match later that night.

Say Gang! I think found that leaked Two Face image that everyone's raving about!!!

2008-05-09T15:24:00.000-07:00

Putting my Columbia Tuition Dollars to Hard Work...

2008-05-08T12:35:00.000-07:00

By videographing a wedding reception.

I'd like to thank the academy...

A Friendly Reminder...

2008-04-15T09:58:00.000-07:00

Hey Gang,

I'm sure y'all need no reminding— I KNOW you've been crossing off the days on your corvette calendars — but today IS April 15th which means, you guessed it, JUNO. This week I saw a commercial advertising this commemorative date by making the claim, "JUNO is MORE than just a film... It's a state of mind." Tie a bow on that, MICHAEL CLAYTON.

With Arms Wide Open,
Cooper

98% Indeed

2008-04-05T03:14:00.000-07:00

Rolling Stones, Jurassic Park, Beer, and Zombies... Who could ask for anything more?

America, The Greatest Country On Earth? You Bet!

2008-03-13T12:05:00.000-07:00

Here's why:

"Mom should be ashamed, or cop?"

2008-03-13T09:45:00.000-07:00

I don't have much to report on this story, but this was the headline on the front page of this morning's Herald. I didn't have time to read the article, as I passed the paper—still in it's plastic sleeve—on my driveway rushing to work. But then—in the car, on my drive—it percolated through every crevice of my half-asleep brain; "Mom should be ashamed. . . or cop?" What's that, "or cop," trying imply and why is it tacked on to the end of that sentence? Is this issue up for debate as to who should be more ashamed of themselves; this mother or a police officer, or is it implying that this woman should be given an honorary police badge for the unthinkable acts civil justice she performed, but did so in a really embarrassing and shameful manner for her and anyone in her extended family? And what series of events could possibly demand such a headline? The only thing I can picture is a house-broken woman, wearing nothing but a ill-fitting pink robe, chasing down a burglar on foot past a children's (her own children's, to be exact) bus stop. And while Mr. Merkles—who watches from the car parked kitty-corner until little Tommy Merkles gets on the bus without getting picked on— may have actually enjoyed the gratuitously exposed "floppiness"—his divorce last spring really did a number on his self-esteem— the rest of the neighborhood is outraged. But she did manage to get that one cup coffee press back—that is to say—after the burglar ditched it, hoping to stop that from getting any closer.

Why is this the top story? What's that question mark doing there? And why didn't I go back and grab the damn paper?

I'm not going to be able to work today, at all.

Several things to consider while ordering your copy of JUNO:

2008-03-07T09:49:00.000-08:00

First of all, there are two versions of the DVD (TWO VERSIONS!) -- A single disc copy($16.99) and a two-disc copy($22.99) that includes a digital downloadable version— meaning you can watch it on your iPod Classic, iPod Nano, iPod Touch, iPhone or any other non-"i" portable pocket video player— as well as an entire disc of hilarious crack ups, I'm sure. There will likely be an insightful commentary track by Academy Award winning first time screenwriter, Diablo Cody on "just how she got so funny" as well as a lot mutual ass-kissing between her and Academy Award nominated director, Jason Reitman. But perhaps the biggest (and most important) difference between the two versions is the heart warming orange tic-tac sketched cover featured exclusively on the two-disc set— the most memorable quirk of any character from any movie made in like, the past ten years. Who didn't fall in all kinds of love with Paulie Bleeker with his habitual tic-tac popping?

Secondly, you're going to want to pre-order it. You don't want to be the second person on the block to own this year's "little movie that could." The release date is April 15th, which I might add, is rapidly approaching. A perfect, and fitting, gift for Easter, I'd say. I would also recommend checking out the over-stimulating Amazon.com page (SCROLL DOWN) for some exciting stills and an exclusive Get to Know JUNO's Cast section (where you can click on their faces and see what other movies you didn't know about that they were in).

I'm pretty sure JUNO (either edition) also comes at a cheaper "Better Together" price if you purchase it along with any of the following items:

Napoleon Dynamite - Like, the Best Special Edition Ever!
Eagle vs. Shark
Thumbsucker
The Chumscrubber
Igby Goes Down
Little Miss Sunshine

As well as the pre-pre-order of Charlie Bartlett (NOW in theaters).

Finally, you'll probably consider downloading the soundtrack, which you could do so (a) illegally or (b) by borrowing your friend's Moldy Peaches album from like five years ago. Or (c) niether. Buy it! You're gonna want it on CD to listen to in your car and have the option of liner notes for your passenger to read along the way. You know I'm right and besides, it's only $9.99!

So, save the date — April 15th— for the single disc, two-disc and Blu-Ray (that's right, hi-def) versions of JUNO, and bring a little pregnant bundle of witty joy home to your family.

Video Chatting

2008-03-06T09:48:00.000-08:00

So the other day Zach Braff, Ed Burns and I were video conferencing and...

Yeah, I got nothing. That was the punchline.

In the year Twenty Hundred and Eight...

2008-01-06T02:10:00.000-08:00

-"Going Green" will be the most misunderstood and costly buzzword of the decade; Millions of bumper stickers will be printed.

-Pro Wrestling will replace Nascar for America's Favorite Sport.

-After the sudden and shocking death of Sir Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr will attempt to buy the rights to The Beatles catalog, but will only have enough money to buy the I AM SAM soundtrack at his local Best Buy.

-Some bimbo will get her own E! Network show, thanks to her "hilarious" YouTube video.

-J.K. Rowling will announce that she was just kidding... "There are REALLY 14 years at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry." George Lucas will make a similar announcement with STAR WARS prequels.

-In South America, dinosaur fossils will be discovered next to a fossilized bible, proving everyone wrong.

-A big budget Indy movie will cause suburban kids to feel hip and edgy.

-A soccer mom will forget about 9/11.

-Blue-tooth will become an epidemic, render people arrogant assholes.

-A chemist will use the word, "awesome" to describe a break through.

-AMERICAN DAD will get picked up for another season due to the writers strike forging onward.

-Taco Bell will invent a new variation of the exact same ingredients.

-It will become acceptable to like Bono again (after his tour bus sets fire to an entire African village, devastating him and eventually leading to his retreat from saving the world).

-A great ape will be taught to blog and Sidekick.

-Tupac will release an all-new-never-before-heard-double-disc-poetry-set-to-beats album.

-A frat boy will shit the bed, while on spring break in Cancun. You or someone you love will be sleeping in that bed next to him.

-A gay guy will win AMERICAN IDOL.

-A group of straight men will discuss how uncomfortable it makes them feel that a gay guy won AMERICAN IDOL, all the while saying things like, "I mean... it's NOT like I watch the show or nothing," without seeing the beautiful irony of their conversation.

-The Baconator will claim 337 lives.

-One of your friends will start a shitty noise-rock band and you won't know how to tell them what you REALLY think. You'll just smile and point out A specific part as being "really interesting."

-Britney Spears will win a Golden Globe in the newly added category: "Most Panty-less Crotch Shot Sightings in an Access Hollywood Episode". Lohan wins: "Most Topless...".

-No comedian will ever top Michael Richards' tirade, though D.L. Hughley will come close in his HBO special -- airing February 16th.

-Peter O'Toole will pass away (surely).

-Grown men will get caught watching porn on their iPhones at Panera Breads with free wi-fi.

-Newspapers will become obsolete -- fish markets will be forced to shut down.

-Scientists will come that much closer to NOT making any progress on Mars missions yet NASA will inspire the design of a new posturepedic something-or-other, sold at 3:00AM on the HSN.

-The Dave Mathews Band will release 3 live albums with title variations of the words; Remember(ed), Things, and Theses.

-ABC (Disney) will finally administer legalized prostitution via the all new season of THE BACHELOR.

-SPIDERMAN 4 will begin production.

-Elton John will perform a duet with Nickelback.

-Caucasians, in America, will become the minority.

Happy New Year!

2007-12-23T10:56:00.000-08:00

When irritated by an obnoxious puppet (Triumph the insult comic dog or Clarence), grown adults will actually hit a puppet's face in a fit of rage, rather than the face of the person operating the puppet who's actually annoying them.

Puppets don't cause puppet hate crimes, ventriloquists do.

My Picks in '06(Lists and Shit).

2007-12-08T16:01:00.000-08:00

Here are my picks for the past year in entertainment:

Favorite Movies (In No Particular Order, sort of)

01- THE DEPARTED - Best MOVIE
02- BRICK
03- PAN'S LABYRINTH
04- CASINO ROYALE - Best Bond movie in ten years, Best Bond Babe in like twenty
05- BLOOD DIAMOND
06- CARS
07- SCIENCE OF SLEEP
08- DUCK SEASON
09- CHILDREN OF MEN
10- CRANK - I gotta give it to 'em. They made one hell of an adrenaline rush.

Granted, I didn't go see Letters From Iwo Jima, Babel, Half Nelson, Stranger than Fiction or hardly any of the movies I wanted to this year. I did however manage to catch most of the mediocre pictures, if that says anything about me.

Least Favorite Moviegoing Experience of 2006

-IDIOCRACY - I forgot that I saw this movie until my mind unlocked that dark dungeon that I had hidden it. I have never NOT laughed so hard in my life.

Honorable Mentions

-MONSTER HOUSE
-BORAT: CULTURAL LEARNINGS OF AMERICA FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN
-JACKASS 2

Favorite TV

01- ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT- Best SHOW
02- THE WIRE - Best SEASON of the Best DRAMA EVER (What took me so long?)
03- THE OFFICE (US)
04- 30 ROCK - Best NEW show
05- STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP - Best Aaron Sorkin show since Sports Night

Favorite Albums of 2006

Here is where I really suffered this year. I kinda fell off the music scene due to an avoidance of life and an unhealthy addiction to B96. If you need to know the lyrics to any Cassie, Neo or Ciara song, I'm your man. As for the rest of the scene... eh, not so much. But I finally got my life back together, bucked up and started listening to sad nostalgic music toward the end of the year again. And now I'll keep my finger close to the pulse at all times. So I guess here is how it would go based on the music I did listen to:

25- Smoosh, Free to Stay
24- Camera Obscura, Let's Go Out of This Country
23- Ditty Bops, Moon over the Freeway
22- The Long Winters, Putting The Days To Bed
21- The Rapture, Pieces Of The People We Love
20- The Sound Team, Movie Monster
19- Sondre Lerche & The Faces Down Quartet, Duper Sessions
18- Yo La Tengo, I Am Not Afriad of You and I Will Beat Your Ass
17- Beirut, Gulag Orkestar
16- The Whitest Boy Alive, Dreams
15- Beck, The Information
14- Tapes 'n Tapes, The Loon
13- Sufjan Stevens, The Avalanche
12- Junior Boys, So This Is Goodbye
11- Califone, Roots and Crowns
10- The Decemberists, The Crane Wife
09- Belle & Sebastian, The Life Pursuit
08- Phoenix, It's Never Been Like That
07- T.I, King
06- TV On The Radio, Return to Cookie Mountain
05- Sean Lennon, Friendly Fire
04- Destroyer, Destroyer's Rubies
03- Justin Timberlake, FutureSex / LoveSounds
02- Lupe Fiasco, Food & Liquor
01- Bishop Allen, EP a Month- January EP, February EP, March EP, April EP... You know the rest. Creativity-wise they deserve this. Fair and square

Honorable Mentions

-Mos Def, Tru3 Magic
-The Hold Steady, Boys & Girls of America
-Clipse, Hell Hath No Fury (This album actual deserves to be in the top ten. It is amazing. I'm just too lazy. But believe you me, It good.)

Favorite Person of 2006

Karl Pilkington of The Ricky Gervais Show Podcasts

So who is this little round-headed buffoon, you say?
Karl Pilkington was a producer for Ricky Gervais's XFM radio show. After leaving the radio station, he gained popularity through his appearance on Ricky's podcast. An instant cult classic, the podcast consists of Ricky and Steven Merchant abusively picking on Pilkington for his beliefs, ideas and his bald and "perfectly round- shaped" head.
Karl Pilkington's view of life has been described by "something out of Narnia" or "a Roald Dahl book" by Gervais and Merchant, especially when describing his thoughts of the world or the things that have happened in his present life and the past. "Dinosaurs knockin' about with cavemen", bees having heart-attacks from stress to scientists inventing a pair of eye glasses for a fly; He truly is the best thing that has happened to me this year. Thank you Mr. Pilkington.

Download all 3 series of the Ricky Gervais Show Podcasts on iTunes or audible.com. They are wonderfully funny.

Happy New Year Everyone.

How to make a bar full of townies hate you on Thanksgiving Day:

2007-11-23T04:57:00.000-08:00

Step 1: Go to karaoke night when the theme of the night is clearly Nu-Metal.

Step 2: Decide to sing Michael Mcdonalds' "What A Fool Believes".

Step 3: Let that cool and then serve with a little shoulder bobbing/foot-tapping action.

Step 4: Realize that soon, the song will end and you'll return out amongst the sea of unhappy, Evanescence-loving faces.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Ed Burns Paradox.

2007-11-21T10:58:00.000-08:00

It's unavoidable, like watching a mugging or rape take place. Everybody who sees it just thinks the next guy who walks past will do something about it, so they keep it to themselves. It's a loop hole in the Hollywood system. Ed Burns will continue being famous — for NO CLEAR REASON — and there's nothing you & I (the Average Americans) can do about it.

I'd trade the devil my talent, charm, and creative spark for a little undeserved recognition. That and a guest spot on TV's ENTOURAGE.

Rebel Base Discovered on the Other Side of Lucas' Neck Waddle

2007-11-14T14:43:00.000-08:00

Exasperated, Lucas explains to Oprah the struggle of merely sitting up straight due to the gargantuan tumorous appendage hanging below his chinny-chin-chins.

Diddler On The Roof

2007-11-01T11:08:00.000-07:00

My own Lock-in story reminded me of one of the greatest events in my twenty-five years of life: The time Luke got "locked" on the back porch/ roof. Now for those of you who don't know Luke, the best way I can describe him is, "sweet." He is a really good guy. Maybe not the quickest hare in the race, but certainly not the the tortoise. Maybe more of the meandering, lackadaisical, lethargic, sloth-like, A.D.D. stricken hare... who loves candy.

This story is long so I apologize in advance for boring you, but I still think it is worth it.

(Aside: It's written in a "Pulp Fiction" retelling, the way it was unveiled to me.)

My side of the story: 5:00PM — I'm leaving work and I get a call from Luke asking me what time I think I will get home. I say like 7 or 8 because i'm going to have dinner with my family. "Oh, okay..." he says. "What time does Daniel usually get home?" "I don't know, he might be working. Why, what's up?" "Oh, nothing really. I'm sort of locked on your back deck. Cole and I were hanging out and he left but I wanted to stay and go up on the roof, but I accidentally closed the door behind me."
"... Luke, you do realize that that other doorway is to the stairs...that go outside, right?"
(Long hesitation...)
"...Oh, really? Well... I have my bag and bike and stuff in the, and some really important stuff in the bag."
"Well why don't you just go downstairs, go home and we'll call you when we get home to come get it?"
"Hmm.... I think I'll just wait for Daniel."

So I say okay and call Daniel, who is actually only minutes from home. I explain the whole situation to him and he says he's about ten minutes away. We have a good laugh, I hang up.

8:00PM — Finished with dinner and my phone rings. "Hey Cooper, it's Luke. I was just wondering how close you are or if you've heard from Daniel?"
"Luke, are you REALLY still on the back porch?! Daniel's been home for like three hours!"
"..."
"Go downstairs and knock. He's home and I told him you were out there."
"Oh... Okay, I will."

We hang up.

PART II: Daniel's Story: 6:00PM — The first thing Daniel did when he got home was open the back door and yell Luke's name up the ladder. He left the back door open and went and sat in the living room (watching a loud TV). At 7:00PM he tried calling out to Luke once again and closed the door figuring he must have just gone down the stairs as I suggested. So he went back to the living room where Luke's bike and bag were. He opened the bag to see what kind of "important things" might be in there.

The Contents of the backpack:
-Two Burger King Coupons
-A hand written "List of Expenses" that read, "Luke, this is all the money you owe for this month."

Having worked all day and seeing no sign of a problem, Daniel went to take a nap. One hour later, Luke knocked.

LUKE: (VERY Casual) "Oh, hey, Daniel." He peaks his head in to see the clock on the oven and said something along the lines of, "Wow. Really lost track of time," gathered his belongings and went on his merry way.

Daniel tells me all this when I get home and we both can't wait to tell Cole this series of events. So we begin, leaving no detail left behind, when Cole stops us...

Part III: Cole's Story: 12:30PM — He and Luke were hanging out around 12:30 watching a movie. Cole was on his way to class, but invited Luke to go get some Nikko's on the way. Luke, however, declined. He had his heart set on Burger King that day. When Cole was leaving around 1:00, Luke asked if it was okay if he stayed to finish the movie. He said something like, "I might pop up on the roof for a bit, but not too long because I have lot of important stuff to do." (One of these things we later discovered was a job interview). So Cole left the house, receiving his first distress call at around 2:30PM asking, "When does Cooper get out of work," but leaving out as to why he needed to know.

To clarify: Luke was out there from 2PM-8PM, on this day when he had many "important things" to do, one of which clearly included using the Burger King coupons to get lunch, on his way to the job interview, to get the money he needed to pay the bills.

Dying of laughter, I headed for the roof because something inside me told me I needed to. I peaked up and almost fell back down the ladder due to the explosion of laughter from what I saw.

A collection of unrolled sleeping bags and tee-shirts that he found in our back room, formed into a comfortable nest and an empty cup. That's why he didn't hear Daniel calling; he was sound asleep. But the cup really tickled me because he prepared a drink before locking himself out. I pictureed him going up to have a drink while looking out over the city, thinking about how today was going to be the day his luck changed... right after Burger King, of course.

And that's the story of probably the best thing that will ever happen to me. The day my first born child in born, I'll be too busy thinking about Luke perched high, up in his sadness nest.

Company Lock-In

2007-11-01T11:00:00.000-07:00

Sunday night, after getting into a spat with my dad about my mom moving stuff in my room when I asked her not to, I came into work to try and get our new trailer/demo reel finished. I got there around 11PM and worked diligently until around 2AM. Mind you, that I had worked on it at work all day and planned to have a nice relaxing night at home while recording some music, but couldn't find the cords I needed (due partly to the mother cleaning crew). Keep that in mind. So when I arrived, I locked the door behind me because I work across the street from a bar and didn't want any Sunday drunks to come stumbling in and wreck the joint. But as I was leaving, I had forgotten that I had, set the alarm, and scrambled with twenty seconds to get the door unlocked before the cops would arrive. Finally, I got it open, but the key wouldn't budge. So I left it in the door, went outside and waited for the alarm and motion censors to reset so that I could come back in and turn it off again. Foot against the door, pulling as hard as I could, nothing was happening. So I shut the door, elaned on it for leverage and turned and it finally ripped out. The door now locked... And the lock now stripped... With me inside... At 2AM.

Panicked, I considered my options: A) Call the police and tell them I'm locked inside of my own office. But they'd probably have to call my boss, confirm that he knows who I am and then come break the lock... And laugh at me. B) Climb through the ceiling and ducts into our next door office where I could get to an open door — Don't think I'm trying to be funny. I literally had the ceiling panels down considering how I could get on top of the air ducts. And where they would lead me on the other side. The only thing stopping me was the fear that if I got stuck, no one would know until at least 9AM, and maybe not even then, depending on how far along the duct I was. C) Sleep on the cold floor.

Inevitably, this was the option I settled for. With a chair cushion (that a baby recently shat on, swear to God) as my pillow and the overheated, overworked AC adapter of an external HD on my stomach supplying what little warmth I could get, my MacGyver survival skills got me through the night. I slept my problem away. And in the morning, like a zombie, scared the piss out of my coworker when I stood up and screamed with joy that he could open the door from the outside world.

DCA - The "Fight For Your Right" Party

2007-09-07T11:17:00.000-07:00

Above: Yauch, along with running mate, Adam "Ad-Rock" Horovitz (right) and personally appointed secret-service agent Michael "Mike D" Diamond(left)

By Cooper Willis, AP
Posted: 2007-09-07 11:17:12

While being honored for their break-through documentary, AWESOME, I F***ING SHOT THAT!, avid Bush naysayer/ cofounding Beastie Boy, Adam "MCA" Yauch, shocked the Weeby audience by announcing that he will be running in the 2008 Presidential Election. Though in reality, we should have seen this coming. The Boys most recent lyrical album, To The Five Burrows offered up strong politically abrasive imagery pinning the September 11th terrorist attacks on the current administration. By the time of the Hurricane Katrina fiasco, Yauch clearly had enough. "Hurricane will cross fade on your ass," Yauch stated--many years earlier, but our sources say, "Premonitorily, it was like one of those unanswered east coast/west coast hip-hop 'disses' only aimed at President Bush."

One of the maybe four white people that African Americans actually like (Horovitz, Diamond, President Clinton), we think Yauch actually stands a running chance. A 43-year-old, sliver-haired and suit-clad advocate of saving the environment, women's rights, and equality, whom kids will actually listen to-- A demographic that is near extinction in our nation (with the exception of George Clooney). And yet with no actual political background, Yauch still seems to offer a rather strong running platform. And promise of an all new corresponding campaign album, to boot. Needless to say, he's got other presidential hopefuls feeling a little ill.

When asked his thoughts on Yauch's recent announcement, fellow New Yorker and Republican presidential hopeful, Rudy Giuliani, embarrassingly white said, "So what he can rap. I can rap. USA is the place to be, listen everybody can't you see? Rap rap rap rapper...Vote for me... Giuliani. See?" His camp later stated that his actions were merely comic relief and that the former mayor actually loves all kinds of rap music from "50 Cents to Nelly."

But it seems not all politicians are frightened away by this gravelly-voiced activist. Former Vice President Al Gore is among the many to have recently hoisted himself onto the Yauch wagon. Having met the Beasties at a PETA convention and once at a voice session for television's FUTURAMA, he appears to be quite fond of what they stand for. "They hate Bush and believe in the fight to save this great planet. That's what I, what I want," Gore drolled. He went on to say, "I know Tip and I went a little heavy with all the censorship and have never been to keen on the rapping music, but maybe that was our own f***ing ignorance," an erroneous attempt at appearing hip that cost him a $750.00 fine from NBC.

Yauch's camp is picking up steam, and with the recent sales of AWESOME, I F***ING SHOT THAT! and their seventh studio album (second instrumental), The Mix Up sky-rocketing through the roof, there doesn't appear to be a halt in sight. The idea of an actual human being in charge not only seems plausible, but likely. And Yauch isn't taking it lightly either. Just before passing the mic to Adam Horovitz, he promised he would take the "white" out of the White House and turn it into a more black inspired white interpretation house. What he calls a "Milano House." And at the rate things are moving, this reporter thinks he just might be the little rapper that could.

Senator Obama has yet comment on his views of such a Milano White House.

"There'd be a lot of dead kids in white baseball caps"

2007-08-30T13:55:00.000-07:00

Mike talking about if the scheduling for the recent back-to-back Rage Against The Machine/ Dave Matthews Band concerts at Alpine Valley got screwed up and fans of both bands showed up on the same day.

Ha. Finally, a smile.

Kenny BLoggins

2007-08-23T15:25:00.000-07:00

Don't get me wrong, as far as "Highway To ____" songs go, the Danger Zone sounds like a very worthwhile destination. Its name alone conjures up images of a sky blackened by catastrophic thunderstorms or war-torn villages, overrun by murder-crazy militants. A place where no self-respecting person would hope to find themselves. And who better to sing of such a Hell-on-Earth place than Winne The Pooh-loving, Kenny Loggins.

There's nothing that says "Danger Zone" LESS than scrawny seventies pop-icon, Kenny Loggins. From his career cranking out Hollywood theme songs to his safe well-kept beard, the man is the poster boy for "Safety First." The only "Danger Zone" he has to worry about is being dangerously close to being gay (as illustrated above). If you wanted to rebel and piss off your parents, you wouldn't bring Kenny Loggins home to meet mom. Before you know it, the two of them would be trading home & garden tips and you would be forced into an arranged marriage. He's just too damn nice. And yet, HE was the number 1 choice for Top Gun's hard-hitting theme song? I'm sure he can get a little crazy after a couple of wine spritzers at a wedding, but cutting a rug with the five-year old flower girl just isn't dangerous enough for me.

Take for example, Australian rockers, AC(lightning blot)DC's "Highway to Hell". For starters, we already have a preconceived notion of what Hell is like in our heads. And the church constantly reminds us that fastest way to get there is excessive amounts drugs, groupies and rock & roll. And who better to be our tour guides through Dante's Inferno than the burnt-out, sexually perverted deviants of AC(lightning blot)DC?

Working Equation: Rock & Roll + School Boy Uniform + Leathery Faces = Hell = Bad-ass.

not

Kenny Loggins + Owl + ? + "How to loosen a jar from the nose of a bear?" ≠ Dangerzone.

That's barely even cautious, it's so safe. Rip the jar off and hope you can outrun a pissed off bear. Better yet, rip it off and then stick around to fight the bear to the gory death. Then use the honey as a dipping sauce and EAT THE BEAR. Now THAT'S dangerous. That's the kind of thing I want to hear about the guy who's leading me into the Danger Zone. "Kenny Loggins ATE Winnie the Pooh. He's one dangerous mother fucker."

One can only dream. And until that day comes, pull over Loggins. Thanks for the ride, but I think I got it from here.

Who's The Boss?

2007-06-19T02:38:00.000-07:00

You know, I was going to write this huge blog about my theory on why I think Bruce Springsteen has to write these tales of labor working, blue collar rebellious lovers in such an epic manner, barraging our eardrums with his signature wall of distorted drones, whaling saxophone solos and straining vocals due to the constant balancing act he's put himself in to outweigh the tinny chirping glockenspiel that resonates from the E Street Band's core, and how that in itself might represent his inner struggle with growing up on hard times yet finding a gutless way to avoid actually walking in the footsteps of the "working man" and thus constanly seeking approval and respect from his disapproving father, who will never look him eye to eye as an adult and will never admit to him, even after all the gold records, money and women, that being a musician is a viable lifestyle for a kid from Jersey — but I think this picture says it better than I ever could.

Twenty-Five, Alive!

2007-05-29T11:24:00.000-07:00

Weekend recap...

SMALLVILLE

Took a long four day weekend so that Kim and I could drive down to Evansville for Cole's Project Focus Festival, knowing not at all what to expect. We were only going to be catching the tail end of the week long festival but both days that the bands were playing. It's a long drive, but we're good at 'em, with a little help from the music remembering pocket robots we both employ. The drive seemed to be going just fine until I'd say about ten minutes before our arrival, I got pulled over by a state's policeman. "Speeding," as it were. A whopping twelve miles over, the extra two believe to be added because of my honest response when asked "Do you know how fast you were going?" I guessed 80. But when you have a little penis you add two more mph. It's the manly factor. But had we not been pulled over, we would have been in Ohio in no time. We had gone about twenty miles passed our exit. A slight miscommunication. This is God's weird way of watching over me. Effective, to a point, I guess.

And finally, we arrived at the festival— A closed-off block of Evansville's art district. PPS (Proud Parent Syndrome) sets in. The bands played under the marquee of an closed down movie theater while the movies played in the gallery. After months of hearing about it, it was finally happening. The turn out was less than was expected the first night but the point was that he had followed through it's conception. Weather permitted. Went out and got to meet more of the Project Focus crew, of which I fell for. Dancing is usually my best forum. I wanted new friends and when I want something, I get it. Plus the cards lined up too perfectly; we were pretty much the same people. Found new girl and boy crushes (What can I say, I got a thing for handsome musicians that I wish I looked / acted like). And again, the world around me faded to black as I danced with the most fetching girl in the room. It's comments and thoughts like these that make me realize just how deep I'm in. Off to the house for some sleep and some puppy love. I love dogs, you know this about me. And getting to play with two great puppies on twelve acres of land seems like some kind of dream. As Daniel (Project Focus Daniel) put it, "That's America, right there" Waking up to a nice breakfast and then playing with your dogs on your twelve acres of land as the sun slowly rises over the hills, carefree. At the moment anyway. Just crank up the Mellencamp or Springsteen and I'd have to agree. Then a whole day of music. Started out slow with a very small turn-out. Cole was upset, understandably, but he wasn't looking at the bigger picture. Just focused on that moment. As the day rolled by, which at times was at a tumbleweed pace, more people started filtering in. I think it was the work of the Prophet.

"You can take the prophet out of Kentucky, but you can't take Kentucky out of the prophet."

A rather large, rather hilarious white boy (man) rapping about his old job valeting for Hollywood's finest. Former roadie to the Pixies and opening act on their last tour. Did I mention the male version of Krayzay? To a T. He kick-started the night back into gear and from then on it was nothing but fun. Street drinking and good flavorful bands. We befriend a Pocket-Rocket riding fourteen-year-old named Michael by daring him to go under gates that we really didn't think he could make. He did. A little local boy who obviously didn't understand that the Project Focus Festival for the children of Uganda was not really the forum for his southerner racism. But then again, there were adults who were much the same. In our fleeting friendship, he told me all about the time he knocked out his drunk dad by sucker punching him in the face and splitting his eyebrow, how THAT Chinese "bitch gets on his fuckin' nerves", how his brother is helping him buy a real motorcycle tomorrow and how his sister doesn't like it when he calls her retarded. His myspace, which I have yet to find due to punctuation, is something along the lines of www.myspace.com/ifuckinghateeveryone. For real, that's what he told me. Everyone in his family, but that was too long. But I got him to admit to liking his older brother.

Cole seemed to come around as night fell and the street was packed. All culminating in a glorious, sweaty, unabashed Chicago-style dance party, right there in the heart of dance-free middle America. Fools, yes, but having a darn good time at it.

Return to Chicago to ring in the new year with some wine and good company at Kim's. Oh, and Pokey Sticks. Quite possibly my last batch. And so it is, I'm a quarter of a century old. I'm five years and three days younger than STAR WARS. I'm five years away from being 30 myself. And I'm am where I want to be... Sorta.

THE ACTUAL NEW YEARS DAY

Wake up for some KFC Bowls and then it was off to "The Zoo" with Kim and Daniel. We make an uproariously fun trio. Started the day off right with a baby polar bear named Hudson, my fav. (A joke for and pretty much solely Anthony, who most likely doesn't read this). Just over five months old and so completely precious. Antagonizing his peacefully swimming mother until she finally batted him into the water. Once in the drink, he saw there was nothing to fear and went right about playing with various balls. Gets out and slips back in. It was so cute I whimpered and made little girl noises until a lady turned to me as if to say, "For christ sakes, you're a man today. Grow some balls!" I refuse. It was emBEARassing. Jokes like that were abundant and the paramount for the day.

We saw plenty of good things throughout the day but nothing topped our three-peat. One after another, the best things I've ever seen at the zoo.

It started with a daring peacock who found himself in the company of one pissed-off separatist rhinoceros. Peacock= Sissy bird, Rhinoceros= Cute, but slow and boring. Peacock being chased by full-speed charging Rhino= Awesome. Like a car crash, we couldn't look away. And in the hearts of every single zoo patron that day, we all wanted it so bad. Even little kids. "Get it!! Kill that Peacock!!" It's the animal in all of us, I guess. No one REALLY roots for the underdog, as much as all of us underdogs would like to believe. In the end it's a bloody horned Rhino that everyone pats on the back. But for the moment the peacock was agile enough to keep it's feathers from being ruffled. For the moment, he says...

Moving on to the ever so lovable elephants. From the furthest side of the habitat they walked right up to us. I'm talking, directly in front of us. Posing for camera flashes, one foot up on the rocks. Proud of her physique and making sure we all knew it. Then the male came around to partake in the "ooos" and "ahhhs." Like a runway elephant fashion show. Taking drinks of water, throwing dirt on their backs — the whole nine yards. And then he turned to us, stepped up on the rocks that lined the walls of his divider moat and reached across to the tree that we were literally standing under to eat some leaves. The first time missing his mark, and "accidentally" spraying us with the leftover backwash in his trunk. Showmanship has it's place in the animal kingdom. He was the king and he knew it.

Then, we made our way over to Tropical World — The Planet's rain forests — where we were unable to peal ourselves away from two baby gorillas fighting each other. All in good clean fun, of course. For seriously, maybe ten minutes they chased each other around the trees pissing off all the jaded adults trying to appear un-photogenic for their audience. "Ooo Child, what. am. I. to. do. witchyou!" (<- Racist). They would maliciously pull on the other one until it fell and then bite and pound. It was so cute, I could of killed myself. Incredible.

Finally, a followup story: While walking over to grope some sting-rays, we saw a peacock, proudly posed on a gate. Letting people get close enough for a few candid photos while it plucked at it's feathers. Then an overzealous patron pointed out to every passerby that this peacock was gushing blood everywhere. Well, maybe a couple speckles of blood on it's feathers, but gushing? None the less bleeding which gave us no choice but to divulge about the quarrel we had early witnessed. We just turned a negligent cheek believing that the rhino DID really love her and that those bruises WERE just from falling down the stairs. But more importantly sad, we missed the showdown! We could have gotten like 5,000 hits on Youtube. Touched some Sting-rays but at that point it was downhill. And so we left.

Back to the city for some Gino's East. No favorite of any of ours but a lasting image of the three of us I had in my head. "I'm on Mysace" followed by "I need some brownout." I called her and told her I wanted to see her when the truth was I didn't know if I could handle it. Six years of birthdays. Six years of dinner with the parents. It was all too much for me. Maybe tonight. Back in for pizza and we all came down from our zoo high. Tired, beat up and deep in thought. A detour to Mrs. Ness' and wound up at the California Clipper with Travis. Jenga on Bingo night. Nothing ends a birthday like a room full of strange drunks booing you. And an enjoyable but quickly annoying bingo host who was totally in love with his brain. I wasn't. We weren't. We conformed to your bingo for two rounds sir, now let us Jenga in peace. Towers fall and so do we. Thanks for a great Twenty-Five, you guys.